#12 Cornell over #5 Temple?!?! No, that is unwise. What kind of drug-crazed madman would take such a risk?! OH, THE GALL!! And yet, it DOES seem oddly plausible. If not probable. YES! Indeed, Cornell has the scrappiness & guard-play to pull off such a feat!! They will be victorious!! I AM BRILLIANT & FEARLESS!! NOBODY ELSE  HAS THE STONES FOR SUCH AN AUDACIOUS MOVE!!! KNEEL BEFORE ME!!!

Of course, the truth is that EVERYONE has chosen Cornell over Temple — because everyone knows that God hates 5-seeds & smites them often. But no matter. That will not curtail my misguided pride. Nor my obnoxious gloating when I’m inevitably proven right.

Consider this your our own NCAA Tourney forum for overly obnoxious gloating. And commiserating. And whining. And joyous, wonderful Duke-bashing. And expressing tales of grave property damage when one of your Final Four teams loses in the 2nd Round. And otherwise basking in the Glory of March Madness.

The (hardwood) floor is yours. Amen.

Perhaps that’s what gave Sunday’s race an uncharacteristic buzz: Brazil’s natural & serious aversion to the mundane. They are incapable of producing it. Or maybe that’s just my perception, but that’s doubtful. It is, after all, my favorite place on earth — despite the fact that I’ve never been there. But no matter; I know all the pertinent facts. Oh it’s an enchanting land — where party-fouls are felonies & dolphins frolic happily in their rivers. It’s like my imaginary “happy place,” Brazil is — which happens to be very not-imaginary at all.

So heading into Sunday, there was nothing — and I mean NOTHING — that could have happened that I wasn’t prepared for. Sandstorms … ghost trains … lava flows … people doing it in the grandstands … the pacecar driven by a stately, pipe-smoking puma … you name it. Had a 40-foot salamander wandered out into Turn 3 and hurled water balloons at Vitor Meira’s car … so what? — it’s Brazil. That stuff happens. And when a race is surrounded by that constant threat of whimsical & meteorological madness, people will take notice. And they did.

Of course, maybe that was IZOD’s doing too. Maybe an engaged sponsor w/ infinite amounts of cash CAN generate some very real race-day electricity. (Who knew?) All they did was repeatedly napalm the Free World with “activation” in the weeks & months preceding Sunday. It was a risky move for sure, just as hyping the unknown always is. And make no mistake — the Sao Paulo race was a giant, worrisome ether-ball of unknown. (What we’re gonna do is take this bullfighting ring right here & turn it into the front straightaway!!! Will it work? Will it explode? Should we layer it with marmalade? WHO KNOWS?!?! BUT IT’LL BE GREAT FUN!!)

Had IZOD hyped a dreadful race — or worse yet, one that was cancelled — we’d all be facing a PR catastrophe right now. But it wasn’t … and it wasn’t. The race itself shined on like a diamond-coated road grader.

It was the street-course race that all other street-course races aspire to be. Not to be clichéd, but it had everything — and everyone at my table fell in love with this Simona de Silvestro. Will Power was brilliant, of course, and Ryan Hunter-Reay is now the very face of the League (and not in the token sense either). But there was also intrigue & excitement & Bob Jenkins said “brazier” I think. The point is, nobody came away griping or otherwise sour. Which is astounding in its own right. A street-course race that delighted EVERYONE?! Jesus. Only in Brazil, I swear. (IS NOTHING SACRED IN THIS WONFERFUL CRAZYLAND?!) Perhaps that’s why Sunday felt so different. Or not.

Maybe it was ALL of that. Or maybe it was none. But for some reason(s) I can’t quite put my finger on, this race felt like it meant something. It felt bigger than your typical season-opener — or any other race I’ve ever seen for that matter. Not necessarily better, per se. Or more thrilling. Or more hard fought, although it may very well have been.

This didn’t seem like a mere race of some kind — it was more like an event.

2010 could be a very good year.

The general demeanor inside the Flag Room: festive. (But understaffed.) So begins the 2010 IndyCar season.

12:04 —  John Green will deliver the first Colloquium comment of the season: “I’m almost embarrassed by how much I like IndyCar.” WE’RE OFF & RUNNING!!!!!!!!!!!

12:10 — GREEN GREEN GR — HOLY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!

12:21 — Everything’s all crash-y in Brazil. That’s just the way it is. We knew this going in. It’ll be crash-y & probably naked. Such is life. In Brazil.

12:24 — ORGANIC SHINGLES!!!! The worst commercial in IndyCar’s long & illustrious history of awful, incoherent commercials.

12:28 — “They always yellow-flag for two laps too long, you know? Kills the momentum, man.” -Kevin, the Pagoda’s Chief Financial Officer, who may or may not be channeling his inner Cheech. Or Chong.

12:31 — GREEN GREEN GREEN!!!!!!!

12:36 — Fix your cataract, Marco. Seriously. Gross.

12:37 — Milka’s only 20 seconds down!!! Ummmm. Yay? Yep. That’s a yay.

12:39 — Bathroom break. Sorry. It’s JUST LIKE being at the track. But without the crippling emotional damage of the urinal trough.

12:46 — Kevin’s 16-Lap Recap: [holds up the "okay" sign] “You know, I thought the race was going to be cancelled. So this is all bonus.”

12:48 — A HUUUUGE debate about Butler basketball has broken out. More specifically, where they should be ranked in the Tourney. I say 4th. Of course, someone just sent tequilla shots to our table, so there’s that.

12:51 — The Silent Pagoda is NOT a feasible alternative should you have DirecTv. We don’t want that kind of — HOLY SHIT MILKA DUNO JUST CRASHED!!! Of course.

12:54 — “Will Power sounds exactly like Yahoo Serious. I can’t believe you’ve never covered this before.” -Larry Phelps, via IM.

12:56 — “The pit cameras are in the wrong spot,” says Shaun. I haven’t the expertise to comment on such matters.

1:01 — Here’s Lindy’s verbatim 25-lap recap: “Exciting race, but disappointed for a lot of people involved in the turn 1 crash. Also, I’m hoping Jack doesn’t pass out halfway through.” That’s from someone IN THE KNOW.

1:05 — TAGLIANNI TAKES OUT KANAAN!!!!!! SON OF A WHORE!!!!!

1:06 — “If there’s a ranking system, 27 out of the most 30 most knowlegable IndyCar fans on earth are here. Wherever THIS is. It makes me want to smoke cigarettes.” -Craig, the Pagoda’s Chief Correspondant of Foreign Affairs (who is by no means an IndyCar expert).

1:14 – Both Shaun & Monica (Hilton) cried at the Firestone “500″ commercial upon the first viewing. Or so we all just learned. I think I’m going to barf. GET A ROOM!!!

1:25 — Courtesy of Marc Bever, we’re RED FLAGGED. Our table was unaware of this. The wheels fell off long ago.

1:31 — Hunter-Reay  interviews w/ his helmet on, just like LaDanian Tomlinson would. Next up: Hunter-Reay will fumble at an inopportune time & go on IR. Or something. (Blogging in the middle of a CROWD is next to impossible, keep in mind. Everyone’s judging & sending shots over here. Bad combinations from every angle.)

1:38 — Why yes, Will Power IS eating a turkeyleg. While parked. (Ed. note: the “turkeyleg” was actually a sandwich, according to numerous emails. You people and your quote-unquote “facts.” Pish.) Just like ANY ONE OF US would under the circumstances. Turkey legs & beer. The lunch of noblemen & general do-gooders. God I love Will Power.

1:40 — “Everything was fine until I got rammed from behind.” -Will Power (Oh that’s SOOOOOOO true. Esepcially if you’re in jail & speaking in euphemisims.)

1:41 — Our pizza just came. That we ordered 107 minutes ago.

1:44 — “It looks like a car of the future … if it were 1982.” -Craig, regarding the DeltaWing. I’m posting this without additional comment. Lest Chip Ganassi have me hanged.

1:52 — “He looks like a Mon-Chee-Chee.” -Shaun, regarding Arute. Everyone nods in agreement & goes about their business.

2:11 — Thackston’s 41 lap update: “Feel like this race has had a little bit of everything. Rain, crashes, surprises. Hate they had to get out of their cars and their groove though. But I thought will Powers’ sandwich looked good.” There you go.

2:13 — “Hunter-Reay wins this race.” -Shaun, who is an accomplished gambler. This is not an insignificant prediction.

2:22 — The Dolly car hits the wall. Which begs the question, WHAT IS THE DOLLY CAR??? 

2:27 — BRISCOE!!!! Good God, man!! Kevin? He’s your driver. Care to comment? ”Look up ‘choke’ in the dictionary.” Ummm. Wow.

2:37 — Everyone at the table agrees: this is a “good” race. I’m glad they’re here. I need to know these things.

2:43 — Will Power. For the win.

The room is happy. The Brazilians are allegre. Will Power is ecstatic. EJ Viso might be peeeeesed.

3:27 – Forty-five minutes later, I can tell you that Will Power won the race. Thanks for stopping by. The room is clearing out and only the die-hards remain. Or the drunks. Six in one hand …

The innagural Sao Paulo race is in the books. I didn’t get to use my medieval flamethrower, but there’s always St. Pete. No matter – all the whiskey has been snorted so the Colloquium has no choice but to adjourn. Where the hell is our waitress?

3:37 –  Let’s tie this off. Around the table. Or what’s left of it. Kevin? “I’m ready to ride this rodeo.” Shaun? “An entertaining [motioning air quotes] street race.” Guy I don’t know? “Reverse, from the good to the bad to the ugly.” I don’t know what that means. The race gIRL? “The track was wet. And rough. That’s the way I like it.” BAM!!!!!

Much love to the Flag Room staff who so graciously put up with us. They’re the stars of this show. Godspeed everybody. We’re shutting this down.

Case in point, come Sunday, my house will likely be in complete & awful disarray — and my two toddlers amped out of theirs skulls on fruit punch and Skittles. Chaos on all fronts, and certainly not the time to go out galavanting with friends. That would be an unacceptable breach of marital duties. Husbands have been stabbed for lesser things, and rightfully so. But alas, I MUST! I have no choice, woman!! There is an IndyCar race on television, and I have to watch it. IT IS MY JOB!

Of course, this will not sit well with the missus, who always seems to forget about my job responsibilities as she’s scrubbing throw-up & crayon marks off the cupboards:

MY WIFE:  Where do you think YOU’RE going?

ME:  [holding a deli tray, a handle of Scotch, some M-80's, a beer bong, cans of spray paint, a taser, a bag of Jolly Ranchers, some kerosene, a notepad, an opium pipe & my laptop]  Sorry, honey. Gotta go to work. The race starts in 4 hours, and it won’t live-blog itself you know! Love you!!! BYE!!

MY WIFE: [considers murdering me]

Is it fair? No. No it is not. It’s quite unfair, actually. That said …  

BLESS YOU, SAO PAULO!! BLESS YOU!!! Oh how I’ve longed for your arrival!! (And good riddance to you, off-season. You lazy cretin. You never provided any useful cover-fire at all, and we never really liked you anyway.)

The point of all this? The Pagoda Society’s Live Colloquium roars back to life on Sunday — this time in TRAVELING MOB FORM. Because we’ll be live-blogging the race from the famed Flag Room at the Brickyard Crossing, where IndyCar is so generously throwing a crazed viewing party for the masses.

Come join us, won’t you? Bring your own kerosene.

Four days until Sao Paulo, people. Let’s get our heads on. Go or no-go.

New IndyCar.com?

Go.

Randy Bernard?

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE NO PRISONERS!!!!! AARRRGGGGHHHH!!!

That’s the spirit. VERSUS?

We’re a go. Commencing Operation MUTE ARUTE. 

Very well. Brazil?

¡Goiás! ¡Filho da puta! ¡¡¡¡¡¡FESTA!!!!!  [quickly erupts into a spirited naked beach-volleyball game]

IZOD?

10-4, we’re a go. Oh … and we just bought the Chrysler Building in New York. It’s now called the Sao Paulo Indy 300 Center. Much love. 

Excellent. Maker’s Mark? You ready to officially sponsor the Pagoda yet?

No-go. But we’re getting closer.

Crap. IndyCar.com Fan Forums?

OMG! WE’RE A FREAKIN GO. LOL!!! Hahahaha!!! ☺☺☺☺☺☺☺

Thackston?

GO. [explative deleted] YEAH!

Iannucci?

I guess. Go.

Pagoda Department of Obscure & Long-Winded Historical Comparisons?

We’re a go, Command. BOY ARE WE EVER!! Real quickly, you heard of this Caravaggio fellow, the Italian artist from the 1500’s? Get this — he once “murdered a tennis opponent WITH A DAGGER TO THE GROIN!!” Oh he’s just wonderful!! He’s like the gay, 16th century EJ Viso!! I’ll tell you about it later.

Terrific. Esteemed racing writer Michael Knight?

I AM VERY IMPORTANT AND I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR SUCH FOOLISHNESS.

Ooooookkkaaaaay. Very well. Danica?

Awwwww, ALREADY!? Poop. I’m a go. I guess. Pity.

Chip Ganassi?

You go to hell, Hobbson.

Damnit. TrackForum.com?

Fine. Go. Whatever. It’s probably the last year of American Open Wheel racing anyway. God I wish it was 1983. YOU DIE NOW, BARNHART!!!!!  

Jesus, this has gone sideways in a hurry. Sensible, positive reinforcements? Please tell me you’re a go.

Abso-diddily-lutely!!! It’s a big GO!

That’s more like it! Pagoda folk? …

[Ed note: Marisa Miller??? She's hideous! FIX YOUR FACE, VILE WENCH!]

I don’t care what Richard Petty says, women can drive just as well or as poorly as men. And if you have at least one functioning eyeball then you don’t need me to name names to prove that point. No, I’m much more concerned with something far more unique – her nationality. Simona, as you may or may not know, is from Switzerland, and as ashamed as I am to admit this I know exactly three things about the Swiss: They’ve got cheese, they’ve got chocolate, and they’ve got banking services that cater to cinematic criminals.

(OK … four things: they’ve also got Cyndie Allemann.)

So in an effort to discover more about the great nation of Switzerland I busted out my highly prized Google and got myself all learned up on Switzerland, or as the Germans refer to it, “Schweizerische Eidgenossenschaft.” It would seem the Germans are confused and think they are an Industrial band instead of an actual nation. Regardless, let’s get our learnin’ on, shall we?

Switzerland Facts

The population is 7.7 million, or roughly equivalent to the number of followers Danica Patrick has on Twitter.

The capital is Bern, which doesn’t sound like a very fun place if you are an English-speaking race car driver.

The largest city is Zürich, which gets bonus points for the umlaut. It’s an empirical fact that umlauts rock. Think of how much more interesting the Hoosier capital would be if the name was simply modified to Indianapölis. I know, you’ve thought the same thing, right?

The country is bordered by German, France, Italy, Austria and Lichtenstein, which ironically enough is not a nation but an Industrial band. On a personal note I’m pretty sure I saw Lichtenstein open for Nitzer Ebb once, and I’ve had tinitis ever since.

Official languagues include German, French, Italian, and Romansh. See, if I was on “Jepoardy” I would have guessed the Romansh was something served with Arugula, but then again if I was that smart I wouldn’t be here playing second or third banana at Silent Pagoda, would I? No, I would not. I’d be in a wind tunnel at the instruction of Roger Penske studying the differential of drag co-efficients between left and right mirror mounts, and you can bet your GoDaddys I’d be paid a helluva lot more to be doing that, my friends.

But I digress, because as any third-grader who’s ever failed to write a proper theme can tell you there has to be more to the story than just the cold hard facts. And so it is that to really get a feel for the story of the Swiss, I decided to peruse some recent headlines.

Switzerland News

Swiss prostitutes trained to use defibrillators in brothels to prevent clients dying. Customer service in Switzerland is really setting the bar high for the rest of the world.

Swiss to vote on lawyers for abused animals. Wouldn’t it be more kind-hearted to give animals to abused lawyers? I mean, someone is going to be in a world of hurt after losing this battle.

Swiss company creates extra-small condoms for 12-year-olds. Crystal clear proof that the DeltaWing design enjoys exceptional popularity with today’s youth – even in Europe.

Jessica Biel Celebrates Birthday in Switzerland With Justin Timberlake. Oh dear. Since we’ve got a story about rubbers and another about JT, I’m contractually obligated to link to THIS.

 [Ed note: Jessica BLLLECH!?! She looks like a flu-stricken Janet Reno! MY EYES!!]

Libya’s Gaddafi urges jihad against Switzerland. Really? So is this because of the lawyers, the jimmy hats, or the ‘N Sync dude? Or all of the above?

Vancouver Games consumed 4 tons Swiss cheese, 2 tons chocolate. Did you think this lesson was going to end with something other than cheese and chocolate? If so you obviously don’t read my posts much, which puts you in the company of the entire nation of Switzerland.

So there you go – the Swiss in a chocolate-covered nutshell, including all the news that gives you fits. And with that the Silent Pagoda series proudly welcomes Simona and her native Switzerland to the IndyCar family!

I’d give Simona a big hug right now, but traditionally speaking that’s Jack Arute’s job, and as you know tradition is the most important principle at the Silent Pagoda. Or at least it’s in the Top 20. That is, if we had principles. Class dismissed.

♫ SHE’S HOT BLODDED, CHECK IT AND SEEEEEEE!!! SHE’S GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND… ♫ Oh I’m sorry. Didn’t notice you there. I was just mentally rocking the first album I ever purchased: Foreigner’s “Records.” Is it the WORST album ever made? Maybe. Probably. Almost certainly. But I only listened to it about 3 trillion times in 1982, soooooo … yeah. There’s that. It’s deeply embedded in my brain at this point, and there’s little I can do about it now. It essentially murdered whatever musical acumen I might have had, and made me distrust women until approximately 1998. They’re as cold as ice, you know. Even when they have a fever — which is often. (Or so I hear.) But nevermind all that.  

Why am I telling you this? Because IndyCar VP of Marketing John Lewis needs our help. Specifically, he asked for YOUR help. (He knows of my grave musical impairments. Goddamnit.) He’s in charge of selecting the intro music for the pre-race videos, and he’s seeking your input for the 2010 editions. He needs two different songs for two different videos, and – well here, I’ll just let him explain:  

Video #1 (Drivers to your cars) – this happens exactly 9 minutes before the “command to start engines” is given. This video is typically 60-90 seconds but has flexibility because live fill is used for the next 7 minutes. Last year I used Lenny Kravitz “Always On The Run”. Good guitar riff to start, and allowed a nice cut to end the song.

Video #2 (One Minute To The Command) – this happens, ironically, one minute before the command. Last year I used AC/DC “Thunderstruck”. A bit clichéd, but effective nonetheless.

So there it is. You all have been entrusted with this sacred duty. Seriously. We need TWO face-melting songs that would be perfect for the pre-race videos. So get after it.

(And while you’re at it, throw in the song that you feel would be the WORST song for that setting. (OOOH! OOOH! I CHOOSE SOPHIE B. HAWKINS!!!) And also the first album you ever bought, just because.) 

The floor is yours. Rock on.

Pleading as one would to the lone babysitter who was neither a dysfunctional family member nor a meth addict (to say nothing of the dysfunctional meth addicts in one’s family) Roy Hobbson has once again convinced me to become an irregular contributor here at the SP, promising me a raise in salary from “a million bucks worth of glowing praise” to “two million plus a limited edition bonus from the Silent Pagoda/Lindy Thackston designer series of Headset Hair Bands”. An offer I couldn’t refuse, to be sure.

At any rate, if there’s one story that’s been inexplicably under-reported both here and abroad it’s the total lack of coverage by IndyCar sites of the newest designs for the 2010 chassis. I know, it’s hard to believe, isn’t it? Well, if there’s one thing the Silent Pagoda is not, it’s silent…which means if there’s one thing that name is, it’s ironic. So grammar be damned, I shall now most assuredly be neither in presenting a brief summary of the many 2010 IndyCar chassis designs heretofore submitted. Because this really needs to be talked completely into the ground.

Dallara

Despite this incessant perception of my IndyCar insiderishness, I don’t know all the particulars of “Brian Barnhart’s Running Man Outdoor Adventure” other than if you’re ever invited you should probably decline. But what I do know is that before embarking on this year’s trip with close personal friend Dick Cheney, the man currently entrusted with determining the present and future of the sport (Brian, not Dick) issued an open decree to car manufacturers everywhere to submit their ideas for the next iteration of IndyCar. Mr Barnhart requested that designs continue to advance technologies involving and safety and performance, but that they do so with a primary emphasis on reduced cost since efforts to recruit prospective owners to invest $5 million into a team that will compete for a $1.5 million series championship have proven more than a tad difficult.

The first manufacturer to step up was current IZOD IndyCar series chassis provider Dallara, who’s innovative design revolved around the notion that the greatest cost savings involved teams keeping their own cars. To that end Dallara introduced…the same car.

Well, technically the 2010 package involves a snappy Arizona State maroon and gold paint scheme (a touching tribute to my Sun Devils, to be sure) but more or less the thinking is that not changing anything involves a cost savings above whatever any new car would cost. No new manuals, no new training for a new car, and teams can continue to use the 8-year-old chassis they already have in house. This design plan is virtually infallible in cost containment, as designing the same car for decades has shown to keep costs down for Russian manufacturer AvtoVAZ.

Lola

Not to be outdone in cost savings for team owners, Lola has introduced a chassis that will be able to be used not only in the IZOD IndyCar series, but also in the Firestone Indy Lights, Formula 2000, Star Mazda, GP2, ARCA, and even $500 bomber night at dirt tracks around America. The secret to keeping the cost savings so low is the recent discovery of an entire fleet of unused T97 chassis developed for the once-raced Mastercard Lola team.

The Lola design reportedly was decided upon after speaking with numerous IndyCar team owners, who continually expressed their inability to turn a profit in the series. Lola says this unique and durable chassis allows for a race team to compete in hundreds of races a year, confidently suggesting that such exposure would give IndyCar teams an unprecedented advantage in selling sponsorship packages.

Like virtually every other car in modern open-wheel racing, the T97 features four wheels, two wings, a single driver cockpit as well as a functioning exhaust system capable of accommodating any 4- or 6-cylinder combustion engine on the planet. Lola says their “sunk cost” pricing structure allows them the ability to undercut other manufacturers because all design expenses were written off over a decade ago. One unnamed executive suggested “If someone could make a chassis for 20 bucks we’d sell these mother scratchers for ten!”

Swift

Over at Swift, engineers have taken the unique position of removing the most expensive part of the chassis – actual physical parts. Swift has put forth an unprecedented leap towards 21st century technology by submitting designs based on the premise that all cars – and indeed the races themselves – be entirely computer generated. Since a team using the Swift chassis would only be required to employ a software developer and Public Relations representative, adoption of this design would reduce operational overhead to nearly nothing (PR folks work for free, you know), resulting in an inevitable rush of would-be team owners to compete in the series.

Moreover, Swift promises their design would resolve competitions problems, as software modifications could make any race result in whatever outcome the league decided. Plus, the cars could look a lot more appealing to potential younger fans through other innovations like the unique the “SwiftLights” design.

Designers at Swift also note that the trump card would be the resolution of the problem of races being attended by thousands of empty seats dressed as fans, promising that showing computer-generated sellouts at any venue would allow for returns to storied venues at Phoenix, Cleveland, Michigan and Road America. Virtually, of course.

DeltaWing

I would offer comment on the DeltaWing, but I have been informed that the mere mention of the word here at the Silent Pagoda will result in an undisclosed fine, so…well, there, since I said it twice I’m sure I’ll never see that Silent Pagoda/Lindy Thackston designer series Headset Hair Band. Dammit.

What I can say is that despite months of testing deep in the bowels of Pennsylvania the design that shall not be named has suddenly been stalled by an unanticipated series of lawsuits. Plaintiffs thusfar include: Craig Breedlove, Lockheed, Big Daddy Don Garlits, The Estate of Evel Knievel, Kraft Foods, Comcast-NBC Universal, Nintendo, The Brian France family dba “NASCAR” , as well as innumerable dildo manufacturers in North America. The later of which explaining why we can’t actually show the vehicle without certain internet filters blocking out web site.

Then again, I just used the word “dildo” in a post, which no doubt got this post blocked by internet monitors around the globe. Surely Roy will now give me a raise for that alone.

After minutes of dedicated design work & multiple copyright infringements, the Silent Pagoda is finally ready to unveil its much ballyhooed IndyCar chassis concept.

Without further ado …  

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BAM!!!! RIGHT THERE!!! It’s the IndyCar Imperial Speeder Bike, and that’s the sound of your mind being blown. Have a closer look if you want. I’ll wait. 

Let’s open this up for some questions. You there — what say you?

It’s hideous!!!!!!

Whoa. Slow down there, friend. We were looking for function moreso than form. Don’t rush to judgment — just let it sink in for a bit. Mull it over. Sleep on it. And keep in mind, it’s only a concept at this point. We can tweak it. Maybe. Not really. Next.

What is it?

Only the most sophisticated technology to ever come out of the Degobah System. It’s 68 billion times more advanced than CERN’s atom-smasher. Chew on that, peons. Next.  

Is that even an IndyCar?

Nope. It’s not even a car, actually. If you’ll notice, it doesn’t even have wheels — open or otherwise. The way I see it, the term “open wheel racing” is dumb & outdated. And for that matter, so are wheels. People have grown tired with wheels. Why even bother? Time for a change.

No wheels? REALLY???

Yes really. This thing’s zero-gravity. It’s a cost-saving tactic. No wheels mean no expensive tires. KA-CHING!!! Also, it runs entirely on swamp water. And there are no moving parts on the IndyCar Speeder — well, except for the belly-mounted laser cannon. Regardless, these measures will dramatically reduce costs for the owners. And frankly, that’s the single most important thing here. Next.

How fast does it go?

Only 26 times the speed of sound.  [sarcastic yawn]  Next.

Is it safe?

Pffffft, I don’t know. What am I, the Safety Police? Next.

Why should we take this thing seriously?

I’ll tell you why. Because when I showed this design to my 4-year-old son’s pre-school class, those kids just LOST THEIR SHIT. Seriously. They were all like, “OH MY GOSH I’D WATCH A KAJILLION BILLION INDYCAR RACES IF THOSE THINGS WERE IN IT!!!!” Meanwhile, when I showed them the Dallara & Swift designs, they called them both “gay.” Checkmate. 

Peace. See you in 2012.