The 2010 IndyCar season has passed, but it left this world doing what it loved: handing Chip Ganassi his winnings. It was a season well-lived for the most part — a spirited, plucky season full of changes & holograms & crazy IZOD beach parties only accessible by wakeboards or helicopters. There seemed to be lots of announcements of various kinds, for good or ill, but none of them were streamed to the masses particularly well. Some races shined, others did not, and in the end we were left wanting more — which is all any season can hope to be.
Let’s get to the awards.
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Best Starting Command: The Mayor of Motegi (and also MY DREAMS!)
It speaks for itself, frankly. God bless that fearless Japanese manwolf.
(The only way it could have possibly been any more hardcore was if he bit the microphone in half and then got yanked off the stage by a grappling hook attached to a low-flying 747, “Dark Knight”-style.)
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Marty Reid Memorial Excellence in Broadcasting Award: ABC/ESPN (Watkins Glen)
If you’re NOT Marty Reid and you plan on winning this award, well you’d better bring something special to the table — something so stroke-y and sad and inept that it drools malaise. And shits failure. And make no mistake, ABC/ESPN choosing to skip the green flag at Watkins Glen so that they could have Vince Welsh explain what tires are was ALL OF THAT. And them some.
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The Disaster Narrowly AVERTED Award: The Delta Wing
Hahaha, remember that thing?!? Part of me never wants to mention it again. But the other part never grows tired of picturing Scott Dixon having to explain the aerodynamic features of the Delta Wing and what they look like … but only being able to do so by silently & embarrassingly pointing to the crotch on a man doll — and then crying softly.
But ultimately, the right decision was reached. Because as the Bible probably says, “pixelated & aroused is no way to go through life, my son.” Amen.
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The Disaster NOT AVERTED Award: The Championship trophy
Okay. It’s here to stay, apparently. But WHY, you ask?
That’s easy! Because God and/or IndyCar won’t close a DONG-SHAPED door without opening a WANG-SHAPED window. It’s true! Let there be no mistaking this, people: WE WERE GETTING THE MAN PARTS THIS YEAR ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, whether we liked it or not. You know what that’s called? Rape.
In IndyCar, “no” means “YES!”
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Most Awkwardly Contrived Moment: n/a
Nothing was awkward or contrived this year! NOTHING!! That’s because I roll with the Droid X™, which can do ANYTHING … including acupuncture and estate planning and — yes — squashing any potentially awkward moments in life! For instance, I told this one lady at the Flag Room “Congratulations, when are you due?!” as I rubbed her giant belly and she was all “I’M NOT PREGNANT, YOU DICK!!” and then she started sobbing. It was on the verge of getting ugly, but I quickly pulled up a clip of “Barbershop II” on my Droid X™ and showed it to her & we had a good laugh — all was forgotten! Thanks, Droid X™!!
Anyway, buy the Droid X™. All other phones are awful & give you eardrum cancer.
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The “I’d Rather Be Accidently Super-Gluing My Eyes Shut” Award: Mid-Ohio
Oh, can you even imagine?!?! The horrible pain and the wretched awfulness of it all and the embarrassment – OH THE EMBARRASSMENT!!! Everyone would be like GAAAH, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!? and you’d have to explain your negligence with something along the lines of “Well I was just flipping through the channels and then my remote died & I accidentally watched like 17 seconds of that vile race and now my corneas are melted into ruin! I CAN’T SEE!!!”
At least with the Super Glue, you’d be given cool drugs. No such parting gifts from Mid-Ohio. Except shame. (And blindness, maybe?)
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Best Moment: Tony Kanaan’s win at Iowa
It was the high watermark of the season, really, when we were reminded ever-so-briefly that superior engineers & equipment & wind tunnels can win MOST oval races, but not all. Statistically, those luxuries will only guarantee victory 99.9998% of the time. Or thereabouts.
But if that 0.0002% happens to be Tony Kanaan or Ed Carpenter or Sarah Fisher or anyone else truly beloved by the IndyCar faithful, well that just might be fine with us. It’ll have to be.
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Best Race: Sao Paulo
ANY race that begins with towering clouds of cornstarch & cocaine(?) as the cars roar through a bullfighting ring & someone promptly bunny-hops their car onto Marco Andretti’s face is DESTINED FOR GREATNESS, and this one delivered. Because of course it did. Because it’s Brazil. Because NOTHING in Brazil is un-entertaining, although that’s not entirely why this race was the best.
No, this race marked a new era in IndyCar, and it felt like that. Which is to say, it felt different than any other season-opening race in recent memory, even from 2,000 miles away. This was IZOD’s coming out party — and it felt like IndyCar’s as well. Such was the lasting impression of that Sao Paulo race. And also the season.
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Your 2010 Paggies, ladies & gentlemen. Goodnight, everybody!
By TJ @ Pop Off Valve, October 12, 2010 @ 2:39 pm
Whoa whoa whoa. Where’s the Paggie for “Best JESUS GARY CHRIST HE’S A HOMICIDAL MADMAN Maniacal Grin”? Okay, I confess – that one would have gone straight to Charles Burns at Edmonton. Still.
By Jason McVeigh, October 12, 2010 @ 2:47 pm
You had me at Dong shaped doors and wang shaped windows. Brilliant Roy.
Now, if someone turns this into a forum for detailing EVERYTHING that’s wrong with Indycar I’ll fu**ing scream. Just sit back and enjoy the madness and hilarity that is the Pagoda.
By cappy, October 12, 2010 @ 3:35 pm
Bob Jenkins called Brazil “brasier”. The fact that this didn’t win multiple Paggies makes me question this whole process.
By Ron Ford, October 12, 2010 @ 4:05 pm
I’m sorry Jason, but I believe that IndyCar popularity will only rise to the forefront again when we get more American wangs and/or dongs into the sport. One only has to look to the NFL these days for proof of that.
By Carrie, October 12, 2010 @ 4:19 pm
No award for any of the million
awkward and disturbingcool things Jack Arute did this year? Who ARE you and what have you done with Roy Hobbson?!By redd, October 12, 2010 @ 6:06 pm
KV Racing…
The Carbon Fiber Manufacturers Award of Appreciation.
Best remake of the opening 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
By Shane Rogers, October 12, 2010 @ 7:05 pm
The Brazil Race should get the Bruce Martin best first crack at it award.
Jack Arute shouldn’t get any awards, primarily because he’d use such award as a prop to show how hot and sticky the tire is immediately after a pitstop next year.
And if you haven’t got that MP3 as your phone message tone, DO IT.
And Graham to get the Lady Gaga Race Suit Manufacturing Industry Award of Appreciation for the most costume changes.
By Earnastine, October 12, 2010 @ 9:03 pm
The Dopamine Award goes to Graham Rahal.
Quick Trim purple is now everyone’s favorite color.
Dopamine furnishes the kick in this very boring life, afterall.
As things go sour, it’s likely that it’s low dopamine.
By DZ, October 13, 2010 @ 11:53 am
The Paggie for Best One’s Own Horn Tooting/Unrelated Family of the Year:
All the fun and enjoyable regulars of the Pagoda/Pagdoa, you know who you are.
By DZ, October 13, 2010 @ 12:18 pm
The Paggie for Coolest M’Fin’ Blogger and All-Around Menace to Seriousness Lifetime Achievement Award (includes free beer upon demand at any and all Indy 500 campsite/s):
Mr. Roy Hobbson
By bemo, October 13, 2010 @ 5:47 pm
I have to share with the Pagodians. I set the alarm clock to awaken with the CD player. I burned a disc containing the Motegi start command and a sweet segue into the roiling drums of Hot for Teacher. I inserted the disc into the alarm. My girlfriend will receive a jolt of pure awesome at 5:30 am tomorrow morning. One question is how can I contain my maniacal joy until then? Another is how will she thank me? Thanks to whoever captured the mp3.
Great list of Paggies
By Jason McVeigh, October 13, 2010 @ 6:40 pm
Alright, comments about dopamine and CD mixes of the Motegi start command and Van Halen. Now THESE are proper Pagoda comments.
I second what DZ said, The Pagoda family are great and Hobbson is even better.
By wm. moseley, October 13, 2010 @ 6:47 pm
Which one is uglier?
The Delta Wing? or The Championship Trophy?
By Scott J, October 13, 2010 @ 9:48 pm
Gen. Looney approves of your shameless Droid X whoring. At ease.
By DZ, October 13, 2010 @ 10:46 pm
Moseley, they are one and the same. Delta Wang got melted down by the Chipster and resold to IZOD as the trophy.
Gloriously ironic and nearly true.
By Christopher Leone, October 14, 2010 @ 1:59 am
Best blog to appear on Cameron Haven’s chest: The Silent Pagoda
By Rubio, October 14, 2010 @ 8:13 am
“There is a reason they call him ‘Dick’ award” could go to any one this year, by the artistic expression.
By bemo, October 14, 2010 @ 1:08 pm
FYI – Waking someone up at 5:30 with a super-charged ‘start your engines’ command is a thankless task.
By Rubio, October 14, 2010 @ 3:49 pm
There will be a “s.p.it” Sponsorship Package Award and there actually maybe some spit and some boos, you know.
By BC, October 15, 2010 @ 10:28 pm
Dang it, “Ladies and Gentlemen” > “Drivers”. Period. Do we really need Japan – freaky-deaky JAPAN? – to show us up in proper dramatic use of the English language?
By Earnastine, October 16, 2010 @ 11:28 am
The Ice Grill, U.S.A. award could probably go to a husband, father, retiree in the Izod-Indycar series but the freaky Japaneese guy definetely qualifies.
By Heit Harrelson, October 19, 2010 @ 8:32 am
Life Imitates Art Award: Ryan Briscoe
“It just shut off…I swear, Roger…the engine just shut off!” Ala The Right Stuff (1983).
Briscoe allows Hunter-Reay the pass on the unpassable circuit that is Long Beach. What the public doesn’t know is what happened after the race in the stealth black bus that Roger calls ‘his office’. Mr. Penske slowly lowered Briscoe onto an industrial piece of grinding equipment to buff his nether regions with the kind of shine that can only be delivered by fast rotating course tungsten steel
By Madtad1, October 19, 2010 @ 12:02 pm
I think there should be a lifetime achievement Paggie just for that start command!
By Rubio, October 22, 2010 @ 9:27 pm
Name changer award might be good.
Name changers 2010 goes to ….
By Jen, October 23, 2010 @ 9:19 am
God and/or IndyCar won’t close a DONG-SHAPED door without opening a WANG-SHAPED window.
I’m not a slut, but I kinda want to make out with that line. Brilliant!
By Roger, October 25, 2010 @ 5:49 am
Spatula Birthday Inferno
http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2010-10/video-contest-most-spectacular-robot-failures
By Rubio, October 25, 2010 @ 11:01 pm
Age discrimination award goes to:
Do you live in #Indy? Are you under the age of 30? You’re needed for a fan forum at IMS on Nov. 9! Reply if you’re interested! Thanks!
By Rubio, October 25, 2010 @ 11:36 pm
Just because you watch yo-gabba-gabba (and you know whatthat is doesn;t make you old, over 29.)
Job Notices and Advertisements
The ADEA generally makes it unlawful to include age preferences, limitations, or specifications in job notices or advertisements. A job notice or advertisement may specify an age limit only in the rare circumstances where age is shown to be a “bona fide occupational qualification” (BFOQ) reasonably necessary to the normal operation of the business.
WOW
By bduddy, November 3, 2010 @ 8:53 pm
Rubio: Fan forums (even if paid) are not jobs. Even if they were, suing would be like suing Hooters after they denied your application because you’re male… it’s sort of accepted.
By Rubio, November 4, 2010 @ 12:59 pm
@bduddy:
Especially if you think you are above the law
or that it doesn’t apply to you.