Below is a preliminary list of the classes being offered, the professor’s name, and a brief description of the class in the professor’s own words.
Remember: Fall Classes begin this fall! Don’t be late! Sign up NOW!!!
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CLASS: Geography 201
PROFESSOR: Jack Arute
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Hey, gang! Ready to discover the WORLD? We’ll start in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania — where three mighty rivers (the Mekong, the Thames, and the Baltic Sea) join together to form the Great Barrier Reef! And from there, we’ll go wherever the balmy coastal tradewinds of Moscow carry us!!”
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CLASS: Advanced Phys. Ed.
PROFESSOR: Tony Kanaan
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “We will punish our bodies through endless circuit-training & 68-mile jogs through volcanic killing fields that will having you begging for sweet, sweet death. We will nourish ourselves with tree bark and Human Growth Hormones. Then we will Tweet our adventures to all the disgusting fatbodies out there, filling their flabby hearts with guilt. (Que quer isso dizer? Sacrifício!!!! Hihihihihihihi)”
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CLASS: Remedial Television Production
PROFESSOR: ABC Sports IndyCar Technical Director
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “boobies boobies boobies i love the boobies I need to borrow $3 this is borrrring and dumb can i go now?”
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CLASS: Philosophy 301
PROFESSOR: Paul Tracy
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “My philosophy? It’s pretty simple. Practice doesn’t breed champions … my LOINS do. That’s just the way it works. Learn that shit, homes.”
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CLASS: Pre-Med
PROFESSOR: AJ Foyt
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “You can read all them queer doctor-books all you want. But them books ain’t never had fibromyalgia, thrush, hepatitis-K, jaundice, Taiwanese Super-Rabies, the shingles, sickle cell somethin-or-other, the Dengue Fever, and massive head trauma because some Mexican broad wasn’t lookin’ and ran over your face with a Chevy Silverado. Some people call that a medical encyclopedia right there. I call that JUST ANOTHER F–KING TUESDAY. You don’t like it? Then don’t take my class, Princess ShitForBrains.”
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CLASS: Geology 101
PROFESSOR: Scott Dixon
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Come learn about rocks.”
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More classes to be announced at a later date.
By Anon E. Mouse, September 22, 2010 @ 3:33 pm
CLASS: Cooking
PROFESSOR: Danica Patrick
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Since I Tweet only about cooking and everything not even on the peripheral of Indy Car I thought it was important to teach this class. Wanna buy a watch?”
By TJ @ Pop Off Valve, September 22, 2010 @ 3:47 pm
CLASS: Self-Defense
PROFESSOR: Helio Castroneves
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “You may not be able to beat anyone up, but you’ll look and act so funny doing it that the next week your attacker will give you a bearhug and get his own Versus pre-race profile. Our class is BIG OKAY!”
By Earnastine, September 22, 2010 @ 3:48 pm
CLASS: Trading on line
PROFESSORS: E-trade Babies
CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Whatever your Dad did in the 90′s….
do the opposite.
By H.T. Schaffer, September 22, 2010 @ 3:56 pm
“Come learn about rocks.”
*crying*
By Ryan Worden, September 22, 2010 @ 4:20 pm
CLASS: Manners and etiquette 201
PROFESSOR: Marco Andretti
CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Learn that you can do whatever the f you want and get away with it as long as your daddy owns a race team. And if anyone gives you some bull, learn to tell them ‘So’s your face!’”
CLASS: Family Pyschotherapy 300
PROFESSOR: Tony George
CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Learn the best ways to deal with intensely difficult family situations. Treatment options include: quitting all family involvement, shutting down personal goals, skiing in the Alps, getting friendly with some local vodka, among others.”
CLASS PREREQ: Poisoning family thanksgiving dinner… solution or cry for help?
By Allen Wedge, September 22, 2010 @ 4:33 pm
CLASS: Fabricating & Metalworks 101
PROFESSOR: Jimmy Vasser & Kevin Kalkhoven
CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Learn how to conceptualize and assemble together functioning driving vehicles from scrap metal and random leftover parts and pieces around your garage or a nearby racetrack”
By BP, September 22, 2010 @ 4:51 pm
CLASS: Marketing 101
PROFESSOR: Graham Rahal
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Learn how to convince everyone that your product is the future, and without it, their business will crumble. Includes tutorials on media relations and lessons on how smiling (and generally carrying yourself the opposite of Marco Andretti) will put the media in the palm of your hand, forcing them to support your product and mention how everyone needs your product on a regular basis.
By Earnastine, September 22, 2010 @ 5:19 pm
CLASS: Inexpensive Champaigne Making
Professor: Chip Gnassi
Class Description @Target.com.
Prerequisite: BP’s marketing class
By JP, September 22, 2010 @ 5:33 pm
CLASS: Circumvention of Court Issued Restraining Orders
PRESSDOG: Pressdog
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Look! It’s a NEW Sarah Fisher T Shirt, OMG, OMG, Insert Heavy Paper Bag Breathing, Manly Tears, Manly Tears, What I just did with that Hero Card is NOYB!
Bill, A blogger has made it when others snark about him.
By Jason McVeigh, September 22, 2010 @ 5:38 pm
Class: Start your engines command
Professor: Awesome Japanese guy
Class Description: Learn the proper delivery of an historic phrase that has become uninspiring the hands of other more boring types.
Prerequisite: Must be able to shout loudly with words that come from your groin as opposed to your throat.
Disclaimer: Hernias are a possibility
By FogiveMe, September 22, 2010 @ 5:39 pm
CLASS: IndyCar Blogging 101
PROFESSOR: Senor Hobbson
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Facts and blogging go together like lollipops and mainlining tobacco spittle. Nut up, write some flat-out hysterical sh!t and take no prisoners! Capture the imagination of the wandering crazy masses!
By Earnastine, September 22, 2010 @ 6:20 pm
CLASS: Wieners and Winners
Professor: Tony Kanaan and Jack Arute
Class Description: All Indycar winners and wieners learning the entire Oscar Myer Wiener Song in Portuguese with signing for the hard-of-hearing.
T.K. Weiner trophy presented for best in class.
Wiener Roast photographed “in color” for first race of the 2011 season. Naomi and Wynona Judd presiding.
By Whatever Joel, September 22, 2010 @ 7:46 pm
CLASS: Pwning jerks on Twitter
PROFESSOR: Nicole M. Briscoe
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Classes canceled by request of the Dean.
By Coz, September 22, 2010 @ 7:48 pm
CLASS: Back Home Again in Indiana
Professor: Jim Nabors
Class Description: Discover the real meaning of Sur-PRIZE, Sur-PRIZE, Sur-PRIZE.
Prerequisite: Must own your own proctoscope. So sad, the Liberace Museum here in Vegas will be closing Oct. 17. Hurry on down folks. We’ll go out to dinner at his restaurant near by, Carlucci’s; the St. Elmo of Las Vegas!
By Jeff L., September 22, 2010 @ 7:50 pm
CLASS: Check Cashing (doctorate level)
PROFESSOR:AJ Foyt IV
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Have you ever wanted to chase a dream, only to find that a lack of money is holding you back? I’ll show you how to cash checks directly from you Grandpa’s account. Once he’s wise to it and kicks you out of your ride on bump day, I’ll share some tips on marrying into money. I’m talkin’ NFL team owner money!”
By Coz, September 22, 2010 @ 7:54 pm
CLASS: Learning to Live With Altimeters
PROFESSOR: Tom Carnegie
CLASS DESCRIPTION: What the hell are you talking about? What class? And who the hell are you!?
PREREQUISITE: Unused free tickets given out by Bridgestone for the final USGP at Indy.
By Dan Schrementi, September 22, 2010 @ 8:50 pm
CLASS: Medical Sciences
PROFESSOR: Jack Arute
DESCRIPTION: Understanding sweat glands, HD television and you.
Classic post, by the way… Bravo
By outtaphase, September 22, 2010 @ 9:02 pm
CLASS: Kickin’ Ass
PROFESSOR: Lindy Thackston
CLASS DESCRIPTION: No matter what boring situation and/or boresome people surround you, you will look fabulous, feel fabulous, and just be generally admired as fabulous. And also slightly threatening, but that’s just a side effect.
PREREQUISITE: Takin’ Names
By Nathan, September 22, 2010 @ 9:04 pm
CLASS: Think Positive !!!!
PROFESSOR: Simona De Silvestro !!!!
CLASS DESCRIPTION: I get to teach you how to go through life always thinking positive and keeping your head held high and have fun!!!! Wow, I’m teaching a class!!!! So crazy!!!!
PREREQUISITE: A car worth less than $500 and a Twitter account with an overuse of the “!” button….which is an important tool to help staying positive!!!!
CLASS: IndyCar Journalism
PROFESSOR: Robin Miller
CLASS DESCRIPTION: N/A
****CLASS CANCELED DUE TO LACK OF SPRINT CAR DRIVERS ATTENDING****
CLASS: IndyCar Blogging 101
PROFESSOR: Bill (pressdog.com)
CLASS DESCRIPTION: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS
CLASS: Life 101
PROFESSOR: AJ Foyt
CLASS DESCRIPTION: OWNING the SHIT out of Death. He ain’t nuttin to me, so this be a 101 level course….sissy.
PREREQUISITE: Experience with bulldozers and lions
By Paige, September 22, 2010 @ 9:35 pm
CLASS: Ballroom Dancing for Beginners
PROFESSOR: Helio Castroneves
CLASSS DESCRIPTION: Learn the basic techniques Professor Castroneves learned himself inlcuding “The Arm Thing”, moving your hips, and many more.
CLASS: Answering the Tough Questions 101
PROFESSOR: Gil de Ferran
CLASS DESCRIPTION: How to answer and explain WHY you will never climb into an IndyCar again and why you retired in the first place (“I wanted to do other things with my life”)
By Zachary, September 22, 2010 @ 9:37 pm
CLASS: The 4th Driver Bumped From The Field in the 1947 500.
PROFESSOR: Donald Davidson
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Now, that year Hank Derwell–he was from LaCrosse, Wisconsin–he showed up in what was called the Toledo Corrugated Tubing Special. He ran for a short stint on the first day, and I believe he had a baloney sandwich. Now, the year before, he drove relief for Duke Dinsmore, but did not finish–Dinsmore, of course, having crashed while leading at Milwaukee in 1948…but yes, he ran well, but was bumped early on, and never showed again. I’m so glad you asked about him, he’s one of my favorites, and we rarely get to talk about him.
PREREQUISITE: Being the smartest goddamn man on earth.
By Heit Harrelson, September 22, 2010 @ 10:05 pm
CLASS: IZOD 101
PROFESSOR: Mike Kelly
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: Take LARGE amounts of fuck you money and do whatever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want. You want TK on a jet ski going 200 mph in a piranha infested lagoon near Panama for the IZOD shoot? Done! You want Mario Andretti driving the 2-seater after 6 cognac shots before the Infineon Race? Book it! Want a smokin’ hot Playboy nymph in a firesuit behind every winning driver this season? Bring it! Fuck Adidas, but they are right, “Impossible is Nothing”!
By Robyn Schechter, September 22, 2010 @ 11:20 pm
CLASS: Constructive Receipts
PROFESSOR: Helio Castroneves
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: How to avoid felony convictions, deportation and other career-and=legacy ending consequences.
PREREQUISITE: Alan Miller representation; 1-3 Indianapolis 500 wins.
By SteveK51, September 22, 2010 @ 11:28 pm
CLASS: Psychology 301
PROFESSOR: Ernesto J. Viso
CLASS DESCRIPTION: Do you have a reputation as being incompetent and unable to see projects through to completion? Have you already tried to mask your shortcomings with gimmicks such as unicycles and boa constrictors? I will show you how surrounding yourself with people with even less natural talent can serve to build your confidence and make others believe in you abilities as well!
By Boo Boo, September 23, 2010 @ 12:05 am
Gold Medals to:
- Nathan, for “Think Positive !!!!” Very, very funny stuff. Even Simona will laugh, perhaps harder than anyone else.
- Zachary, for “The 4th Driver Bumped…” Hall of Fame. Instant classic.
- Heit Harrelson, for “IZOD 101″ Funny enough for sure, but more importantly, I kinda think that might be the way it really is.
This is a great thread.
By Riss, September 23, 2010 @ 8:39 am
Class: Economics and Ethics 201
Professor: Dale Coyne
Description: Learn how to sleep at night after selling your soul to keep your race team running. Learn how to run a second team with limited sponsorship on track all year while accepting money from a man despised by 97% of the world.
By Earnastine, September 23, 2010 @ 9:57 am
Class: New Rules and Mechanics 101
Professors: Tony Cotman and 3 sisters
Description: Better listen up: Robin Miller at SPEED.com
will be reporting dailey. Rules and policies may change at any time during this class, advanced notice of cancellation is not required.
By DZ, September 23, 2010 @ 11:37 am
I (heart) this blog and its peoples. Seriously.
NASCAR have this? Heh. Never in a million.
Rage on, you glorious Indy machine!
By Jeff L., September 23, 2010 @ 11:45 am
CLASS: Snatching Failure From the Grasp of Victory
PROFESSOR: Sam Hornish
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: “Tired of winning Championships in a Panther Car over Penske and Ganassi? Are you over your crash course with the immortality that comes with winning 5 Indy 500′s? Has Roger Penske eating your ball sweat for breakfast lost it’s luster? I’ll show you how to join NASCAR and finally become an irrelevant loser again. Support Series here we come!”
By Bob, September 23, 2010 @ 1:06 pm
“Come learn about rocks” – brilliant.
By DZ, September 23, 2010 @ 3:22 pm
CLASS: Modern Physiotherapy
PROFESSOR: M. Conway, (adjuct V. Meira)
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: Rapidly decelerating upside-down from 220mph has harmful effects on the body. This class teaches what you need to know for the real world of automotive racing accidents and speeding the recovery period so you can show how to not do it again.
(Summer Term only)
By P Daddy, September 23, 2010 @ 6:47 pm
Class: Lifestyles of the Rich and Stupid
Professor: T George
Description: ever wonder what it takes to destroy a family heritage with over 100 years of tradition and history in less than 10 years? Well today is your lucky day. Come to this Sunday afternoon class (time recently became available) to learn how one man’s ego can undo 95 years worth of history. Who needs business school when you can get your business knowledge from Professor TG at his 20-acre, recently listed estate. Hope to see you there, free replica Borg Warner trophies to the first 20 registrants. Phone lines are now open.
By Christopher Leone, September 24, 2010 @ 2:34 am
Class: Naval Architecture 301
Professor: M. Duno
Description: I may be slower than you, but I’m also smarter than you.
Prerequisites: Marine Biology 201, Organization Development 101, Moving Chicane 247
By Grammarg-irl, September 24, 2010 @ 10:55 am
Class: English Grammar and Public Speaking
Professor: Sister Mary Ignacious and Grammar G-irl.
Description: Completing full sentences with articulation.
Eliminating the GED style of “irl-speak” with full expression. Eliminating “Youknow”, “Uh”,”Um”,”Obviosly” and “youknow”.
English as a second language will be available next semester.
By TJ @ Pop Off Valve, September 24, 2010 @ 11:56 am
CLASS: Sports Radio 310
PROFESSOR: Mike King
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: Any fool can call a race on the radio. In my class you will learn to elevate your nasality, graduate your hype quotient to choad-level, and create a media persona that will just irritate the hell out of everyone. There will also be a special lab entitled, “Lecturing About Something You Have No Business Lecturing About.”
COMPANION CLASS: Television Reporting for Lounge Singers 401 (Prof. Marty Reid)
By Ron Ford, September 25, 2010 @ 11:24 am
One of your best Hobbs. This has the potential to go on for days and hopefully it will. My favorite so far: Zachary and the Don Davidson reference. That is some damn serious comedy there! Spot on.
By The Real Housewives of Indy, September 25, 2010 @ 10:04 pm
Class: The “Power” of Twelve and Remedial Sudoku.
Professor: Instructor to be Announced. Math Genius Needed-
Class Description: Sudoku needs complete concentration, great for pit crew training. This class will teach a beginner how to recognize “naked singles.
Unlike naked pairs, naked triples do not need all of the three candidates in every cell. Quite often only two of the three candidates will be shown.
By Catie, September 26, 2010 @ 12:40 am
CLASS: Appropriate Sponsorship 101
PROFESSOR: D. Franchitti
PROFESSOR’S CLASS DESCRIPTION: When in a situation where prominent sponsorship varies from week to week, it is bloody difficult to actually present something that doesn’t make you look like an ass. Learn what is suitable for primary sponsorship and how your very name and gender could lead to some uncomfortable situations. We will also explore alternative products that would be better suited to drivers. This course is a requirement for all those in charge of this for Target Chip Ganassi racing.
By Sadly, now wishing for CHAMP, September 28, 2010 @ 3:14 pm
Class: Ass Whooping 101
Instructor (adjunct): IRL Security
Class Description: Visual presentation of the competitiveness at Penske Racing. Must be fluent in Brazilian.
Class: IRL Leadership Skills
Instuctor: Position Vacant
Class Description: NONE
Prerequsite: Previous experience required.
Class: Full Fleged Media Prostution
Instructor: Danica Patrick
Class Description: Tacky, Androgenous.
Class: Camera Angles 101
Instuctor: Archival Footage
Class Description: The syllibus will be cheerfully beaten into the program directors head with a very large mallet.
Prerequsite: An IQ exceeding that of an Ostrich.
Added Note: I have enrolled in and look forward to:
Modern Physiotherapy
Naval (sic: Navel) Architcture 301
By Sadly, now wishing for CHAMP, October 2, 2010 @ 10:38 pm
Class:
Good and proper tribute to Jackie Stewart’s dyslexia.
Instructor: Will Power
Class description:
Learn how to turn right on left-hand ovals while holding a stiff upper lip, completely pissing off Roger Penske, and losing $750k in the process.