Sometimes I’ll catch myself slouched over at my desk with spectacularly awful posture. I’m talking about that special breed of bad posture — the kind that makes me instantly feel guilty for how I’m treating my body. It’s like I’m raping my lower back. With extreme sluggardness.
But I don’t notice the problem right away. Not at all. Not until I happen to sit up straight and marvel at the SHEER ANGULAR DISTANCE my spinal column just unspooled in order to get vertical. Because the difference between how I WAS sitting and how I’m sitting NOW is all kinds of shocking. And rather disheartening. (THIS is what good posture feels like??? GAH!! IT BURNS THE SPINE!!!) Plus, this new upright position will inevitably make me feel like that asshole from The New Yorker, all stiff & uppity and mocking poor people for sport. But I certainly don’t appear like that to others, of course. It just feels that way. It feels that way because for the last six hours I’ve been slumped over my keyboard like a fat bag of soup. That is not a pleasant realization.
Fascinating, right? Not at all?? Good. Then the time is right for us to adjourn to the mountaintops of Motegi. You are now ready. Five Pagodas for that which was decidedly awesome … one Pagoda for that which was uncomfortably pathetic and/or Marty-Reid-ish. My call.
* * *
Jack Arute sweats profusely, appears disheveled — 3 Pagodas
From the looks of things, Jack ran the 62 miles from the hotel to the track whilst pulling a rickshaw, quickly threw down some jalapeño burgers & “saki bombs,” and then immediately went on air. But not before spending the previous 36 hours sleeping in an infield smokehouse, probably!
Starting command — 9,328 PAGODAS!!!! AAARRGGGHH!!!!
SWEET MOTHER OF MOTHRA I DEMAND THAT THIS BE MY ALARM-CLOCK CHIME EVERY GODDAMN MORNING!!! And thanks to Shane Rogers, such wonders are now possible. Here, take a listen. I’ll wait.
[rocks the double-handed SHOCKER sign while headbanging the wall]
Holy shit. HOLY. SHIT. That is BEYOND magnificent. It is MAJESTIC!!! I now demand that ALL of my mornings be kick-started with it. The alarm will go off and that guy’s voice would ROCK THE HOUSE at 190 decibels and I will instinctively react as follows:
- wake up ENRAGED & focused
- instantly ninja-flip to my feet
- ferociously nun-chuck a hole through the wall toward the bathroom
- CRANE-KICK THE TOILET SEAT UP BECAUSE F–K YOU, THAT’S WHY!!!
- expel EXCELLENCE
- dominate the day that lies ahead
It’ll be like starting each morning with an equine-strength shot of meth STRAIGHT TO THE JUGULAR. ATTAAAAAAACK!!!!!
So yeah. I rather enjoyed that lively fellow.
Sato did not explode any cars — 5 Pagodas
A shocking turn of events, really. This is like Bob Sanders playing an entire quarter of football and NOT shredding every tendon in his body AND OTHERWISE RUINING MY LIFE.
Let’s hear from young Master Sato, who is still riding high … but handling the accomplishment with grace & quiet dignity. Takuma?
Indeed. Such poise. Such presence. Welcome to Sato Country, bitches! WELCOME TO MANDOM.™
Danica moves up 7 spots … without passing a single car — 1 Pagoda
Good ol’ Motegi. It’s just like Mid-Ohio … BUT EGG-SHAPED!!
Helio wins — 2.5 Pagodas
Well of course he does.
I’m not saying it’s not well deserved, because it certainly is. I’m just saying that if you’re THRILLED by this & were ardently hoping for it to happen & you don’t work for Roger Penske, then I hate you. Truly. You’re the type of dirtball who reads “The Little Engine That Could” and immediately starts rooting for the HILL. Shove off, Frenchy.
The VERSUS.com Chat – 4 Pagodas
It was a success, I’m told. A good time was had by all, and many performed quite admirably. But not me. I do not tolerate these things well. Lindy does, but I don’t. Because whatever it is that allows her to calmly keep her head & respond to 900 comments at once, I don’t have that. I have whatever the opposite of that is. (A cerebral infarct, perhaps?) Between administering the Chat, signing people in, handling breakdowns in the system, mainlining coffee grinds, getting yelled at by Versus.com higher-ups for insinuating that Arute snorted 9 cubic tons of coke, trying to read what 7,500 people are saying in real time, hosting houseguests AND watching the race … well it was all so disorienting & frenzied & I felt like a stroke victim roughly 17 seconds in. And it only got worse from there.
Ultimately, as this photo shows, I went mad and set fire to my computer and just paced around my garage crying softly & whistling Rick Astley tunes. Tough night.
Motegi’s place in the schedule — 1 momentum-killing Pagoda
We covered this last year. And now we’re pretty much in that same boat. It’s a rickety boat, for sure, all barnacled & broken — one that will putter into the Miami docks some 19 lunar months from now. GET READY, EVERYONE!! WHO’S FIRED UP FOR THE SEASON-DECIDING CHAMPIONSHIP NOW?!?! Ugh.
Perhaps we didn’t take full notice of it beforehand, but now that we’ve looked at the calendar and MARVELED AT THE EXTENSIVE LENGTH OF TIME between Kentucky (Sept. 4) and Homestead (Oct. 2) … well it too is an unpleasant realization.
By CurlingRacer, September 21, 2010 @ 12:59 pm
You know, I feel the Hill was totally misunderstood in that book….
By The Patriot, September 21, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Versus cut this version of the start command: “Rady and Rentermen, stttaaaaaarrrrrrrtttttt yyooouuurrrr shrimp fry ri…” But seriously, that was the best start command this side of some really good, non-archaic reference to nothing… Take that Dennis Miller.
By Rob, September 21, 2010 @ 1:17 pm
online chat: 5 pagodas
on line polls: another 5 pagodas
trying to follow the chat, the race, twitter, and keep from falling asleep: -1 pagoda. by the way, I failed miserably at the last one.
showing Honda some love by racing at their home track: 5 pagodas
their home track: 1 pagoda
beer of the race Capitol Octoberfest: 5 pagodas
That was the last one: 1 pagoda
By Oilpressure, September 21, 2010 @ 1:43 pm
I was pulling for Helio and I do not…I repeat…I do NOT work for Roger Penske.
Good day, sir.
By Jason McVeigh, September 21, 2010 @ 1:48 pm
I give myself negative one thousand Pagodas for not taking part in the online chat. My excuse? It was 4 in the morning here when it started and I fell asleep hours earlier. If only I had a quarter of the energy that guy who gave the start command had. He f—ing ruled!
By Johnny Montona, September 21, 2010 @ 1:49 pm
Fervently opposed to “Just Sayin’”? But “I wish to qualify my statement for fear of committing to a view that may alienate some segment of my Followers” is a bit verbose, isn’t it?
Another WTRR award-winner, BTW. #JustSayin’
By Tom G., September 21, 2010 @ 2:22 pm
Next year Indycar needs to skip the trip to Japan and have the drivers compete on the Motegi track in iRacing instead. They could slot that race in between the Twin races at Texas, and no one would need equine strength amounts of methamphetamine to to stay awake. Plus it’ll save KV a ton of money for car repairs.
By Boo Boo, September 21, 2010 @ 2:31 pm
Actually, Danica was passing on track, in turns 3 and 4 no less—otherwise known as the hard part of the track. She is obviously aware of the conventional wisdom though, because she made a point of mentioning passing people on-track after the race.
Cognitive dissonance for the Danica haters.
By The Speedgeek, September 21, 2010 @ 2:44 pm
Hmmm. Interesting. I’d have thought that being Japanese, Taku’s celebratory dance would be something more along the lines of a “flarhgunnstow”, but given his long, European racing background (and therefore greater exposure to sleek, Italian suits, bolo ties and many probable nights in the clubs on Ibiza), now I can see him being partial to engaging a “4d3d3d3″. I guess you should never judge a book by its cover, huh?
By Rick, September 21, 2010 @ 3:18 pm
Danica moves up 7 spots … without passing a single car
Really? Passed Sato and Viso at the start, Hunter-Reay and Wheldon on lap 10 restart, and also on a restart Kanaan(!) on lap 77. None of them were showed on TV, of course. So it’s not your fault if you are not aware of it, but it’s better to say nothing rather than something not true.
By Roy Hobbson, September 21, 2010 @ 3:34 pm
Easy. I LIKE Danica. But if a pass happens in Japan at 1:08 AM & nobody sees it (or hears about it), did it really happen?
Answer: Apparently.
Fine. My bad.
(I’ll leave that up there, unedited, as a SHINING MONUMENT to my journalistic incompetence. Bask in it!!)
By The Patriot, September 21, 2010 @ 3:42 pm
When in doubt Mr. Hobbson, refer to your previous post of Dixon’s acute awareness to every situation. Let it be the slap to the sack that everyone deserves who dare confront your psuedo-truths. Epiphany: a Dixon face recognizing a trauma to the groin… That might spark a face chan…..no, no it won’t. I’m sorry.
By The Patriot, September 21, 2010 @ 3:49 pm
Jesus Crispy, your name just dawned on my Roy. to honor you:
Pop Fisher: Hobbs. I’m sending you down Hobbs, Class B ball. Tomorrow you go to the Great Lakes Assocaition.
Roy Hobbs: All right. You make the rules.
Pop Fisher: That’s right, that’s right and you ain’t been playing by ‘em. Don’t you remember signing a contract!
Roy Hobbs: I remember signing a contract, to play ball not to be put to sleep by some two bit carney hypnotist! I won’t do that Pop! I can’t.
By Carrie, September 21, 2010 @ 4:08 pm
Chat was awesome even if I wussed out before the end. Seriously, it was the only thing keeping me awake. The race sure as heck didn’t.
By Christopher Leone, September 21, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
I think Hobbson’s just mad that Versus killed all of his references to Jack Arute’s saki bender/Bob Jenkins didn’t read on air that 35% of people thought he was going to win the championship this year. (For the record, did you see Curt Cavin’s reaction to that? “What were those other 35% THINKING?!” Priceless. Curt Cavin pays no mind to us young whippersnappers in the Versus chat.)
By Vince in TX, September 22, 2010 @ 10:25 am
Does that mean we are on the positive end of the Pagoda Scale for the rest of the year? Maybe Indycar needs to bring him to start the race for all future races other than Indy. I can’t stand it when some corporate vice president gives some dispassionate, sponsor laced, suggestion to start engines in between sips of wine and nibbles of cheese… SHOW SOME EMOTION PEOPLE! Its over 20,000HP firing up and they act like they are selling caskets to the bereaved!
btw… I did make that my morning ringtone on my phone today. I’m sure my wife will be cussing you Roy in the morning!