Thanks to a bevy of law school loans that never go away & my money-pit kids & my wife’s unfathomably expensive haircuts every two weeks, I have an approximate net worth of negative-$117,054.
And yet, inexplicably, I employ the services of a Certified Financial Planner. Why? I’m not entirely sure, really. Other than the fact that I’m supposed to; it seems to be what successful people do. This is laughable & insane, of course, seeing as how I have no assets to move. Or buy. Or look at. Or even reasonably pretend to look at. It’s a useless exercise that serves nobody well — namely, my poor CFP, who I’m dragging down into the financial abyss with me. (“Listen here! If the BP shares come down another 45,000%, BUY BUY BUY!!!”) A total waste of time & resources, I am.
To put it another way, this is like a rotted corpse employing the services of a personal fitness instructor. It makes no sense. None.
And neither does the fact that IndyCar Series drivers employ the services of publicists hellbent on polishing up their ”media skills.” This too is laughable & insane.
Why they do this, I’m not entirely sure. Probably because they feel they’re simply supposed to; it is, after all, what successful athletes do. They see Peyton Manning & Derek Jeter deliver seamlessly smooth interviews that rile no feathers, rock no boats. Vanilla soundbytes are the norm in bigtime athletics today, and they are not by accident. Nor without purpose. They are the result of stringent coaching by media-savvy suits. But here’s the rub — here’s what separates them from most IndyCar drivers: Manning & Jeter can say NOTHING during an interview that might potentially raise their already-prolific Q-Rating, but they can say roughly 300 billion different things that could napalm it into ruin.
Relatively speaking — in the American sports landscape today — Alex Tagliani & Graham Rahal & Ryan Briscoe & Tomas Sheckter have no discernible Q-Rating to speak of. Relatively speaking, they have nothing to protect. Nothing to lose. And yet, inexplicably, these drivers are stringently coached to guard their non-existent Q-Ratings by riling no feathers, rocking no boats. To which I say …
F–k. That.
Because when the clouds of carbon fiber & rage cleared on Sunday — when we were anticipating impromptu knife-fights & riot-gear’d Mounties and such along pit road — we were given flavorless scoops of vanilla restraint. We were treated to a whole lot of non-confrontational BLAH. Not because the drivers didn’t want to stab eachother in the necks with wheelguns … because they most certainly did. It’s just that their rigorous media-training forbade them from acting impetuously — from riling feathers & rocking boats & stomping eachother in the nads in front of a riveted television audience.
And for WHAT? So a few obscure companies America has never heard of aren’t slightly put off??? NEWSFLASH, Tomas Sheckter — of all the fruit drinks in the world, you’re repping the only one that is purportedly a pyramid scheme vaguely connected to the Mormon Church, the very same group of zealots who sank millions of dollars into California’s anti-gay statute. You punching Tagliani in the face during a 1.0 rated telecast wouldn’t even hit their radar screen of unfavorable publicity. But with Joseph Smith as my witness, it WOULD be highly entertaining. And quite beneficial to the Series.
And YOU, Graham Rahal — the only time QuickTrim hits the news cycle is when U.S. News & World Report is urging people to not use it. You giving a Batman-like flying elbow drop to Briscoe’s solar plexus would be the greatest publicity imaginable. (“OOH LOOK HOW AGILE & DECISIVE QUICKTRIM CAN MAKE YOU, I MUST HAVE IT!”) But no. That would be over the line, somehow — because then the most prudish octogenarians among us would have to figure out where QuickTrim is sold & go there and defiantly NOT buy it again, only this time intentionally.
We wanted a Thunderdome. We got a slapfight on Twitter, the last bastion of freedom where the drivers are far removed from their publicists & PR personnel & whoever else is charged with protecting their non-confrontational “image.” If AJ Foyt could cry — and I’m sure that he cannot — he’d be crying right now. He’d be crying big, oily tears of corn liquor & rawhide. But only on the inside. And that’s a shame.
Because make no mistake, THAT is how the Toronto race will be remembered. It certainly won’t be for Will Power winning his 48th race of the season; that was as predictable as some high-powered KV carnage. No, it’ll be remembered for beefs needlessly taken to Twitter … when all we wanted was the real thing. This Series needs an identity— as well as personalities & story lines & drama — for good or ill. And presenting polished & rehearsed soundbytes in the name of protecting a commodity we don’t have is the quickest way to never get one. It’s a useless exercise that serves nobody well.
By Riss, July 20, 2010 @ 3:54 pm
You’re absolutely correct. I’m probably the biggest Sheckter fan here and I have absolutely no idea what MonaVie is, does, or how it would benefit my life. Thankfully, you have made me aware. I cant see myself buying this product (unless it tastes like orange tango whip….anyone else remember that treat?) under any circumstances. However, if Tomas goes all ECW on Tags in Canada? Game f-ing on! Sportscenter might have shown the highlights for more than 10 seconds. Same with Rahal and Briscoe. Though I could use QuikTrim and I’m sure I could use whatever Briscoe’s mystery sponsor is, nothing they do is going to make me buy it. But if one of them pulls a sabre on the other? Im buying tshirts, hats, car magnets and a grill cover.
By Susan, July 20, 2010 @ 4:06 pm
True Story: Six weeks ago I received a flier in the mail from the YMCA addressed to my father, who has been dead since 1966- yes, 1966! It was a special offer for no joining fee with membership and in big print it said “FORREST, LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST”. I didn’t think to call and see if they could throw in a personal trainer to sweeten the deal. I will next time.
By H.B. Donnelly, July 20, 2010 @ 4:09 pm
I have a ticket in the Tower Terrace for this weekend’s taxicab race, and I fully expect to see a lightsaber duel between Carl Edwards and Brad Keselowski. Is it lowest-common-denominator entertainment? Hell yes it is! If I’m drinking massive quantities of Olde English and shotgunning lighter fluid, I’m not worried about how this wreck affects your stupid sponsors. I’m worried about you going down there and making sure that jerk who broke your car knows how you feel!
By BP, July 20, 2010 @ 4:39 pm
Bring Back The Hate. At this rate, force Graham Rahal to don his father’s mustache and 1985-era glasses and have him chrome horn every damn driver on the grid.
By bickelmom, July 20, 2010 @ 5:12 pm
If nothing else, we should at least be treated to a verbal tirade or two. We all get enough restraint in our real lives. I watch sports so I can live vicariously. I don’t want my fake laughing-at-Jesus-as-I-go-by-at-230mph life to be full of restraint!
By Tom G., July 20, 2010 @ 5:14 pm
So that’s what Mona Vie is? I thought it was a feminine hygiene product. Who knew?
You know Hobbson, maybe we are looking at this all wrong. With the cat fights on Twitter, the paddock may be opening up a whole new demographic. I can just see Marco behind the wheel of the “Teen Beat” Special. Or Graham, driving for Team Clearasil. Maybe Simona could be on the cover of Seventeen? I can see it now “Simona spills the secrets of the Indycar boyz likes and dislikes”
If A.J. were dead, and not immortal, he would be spinning in his grave. Ya bunch of sissies! Take it out back of the woodshed and settle it like men!
By Larry Phelps, July 20, 2010 @ 5:22 pm
Sigh…IndyCar continues to dwell in the Sunday car section of the newspaper in terms of the sports world. I’m not saying they have to dose a black bear and set it on fire in lieu of the green flag starts, but I’m also not NOT saying that either.
Agreed Roy. Got cut through the clutter if this sport hopes to succeed. Anybody got a match?
By Jason McVeigh, July 20, 2010 @ 5:37 pm
Indycar.com.. Your headline all this week should read “Tempers boil on Canadian soil”.. Tell the story of the disagreements, get other drivers comments, even have a poll asking fans who they’re rooting for in Briscoe vs Rahal and Scheckter vs Tagliani. Get Paul Tracy (who seems to be egging this all on via his own twitter) to write a column on it. Market the sh*t out of this.
By BC, July 20, 2010 @ 6:10 pm
Really, Jason? As opposed to “Tagliani enjoying the FAZZT company”?
Come on now. Anyone who’s turned on a TV or Internet machine in the past decade knows that people are interested solely in:
1) Rich folk being happy
2) Celebrities in long-term relationships
3) Athletes getting along
Indycar.com clearly gets that. Doesn’t look like anyone else here does.
By Christopher Leone, July 20, 2010 @ 6:43 pm
Honda ought to pick whatever vehicle they’re trying to introduce to the Canadian market, send four of them to Edmonton, race-ready, and have each set of feuding drivers face off for three laps, one-on-one.
Oh, and equip the cars like this new NASCAR here. http://www.blogcdn.com/www.autoblog.com/media/2010/07/transformersset.jpg
I hate to say it, but NASCAR may have just one-upped us again… unless we start heavily arming our vehicles, we may just be boned.
By Jeff Iannucci, July 20, 2010 @ 7:19 pm
For the record, AJ Foyt did cry. ONCE. It appears all footage of it has been destroyed, but I did find this:
A quick glimpse of just one big, oily tear of corn liquor & rawhide at around 1:30 is all you get, but it DID happen.
By lazlo, July 20, 2010 @ 9:19 pm
15 push to pass cycles, for the next race, coupled with one air intake mounted RPG round per designated team car (keeps it sporting).
So it screws with the aero – pay back is a bitch and the ROI is certainly there.
Get rid of the hair gel & the PC blather and get down to racing. Failing that; armed revenge seems to pull massive ratings…
By cappy, July 20, 2010 @ 9:33 pm
Having now checked into it, MonaVie is widely considered to be a pyramid scheme? Oh Tomas. What the hell???? I’ll never believe in sports again.
By the patriot, July 21, 2010 @ 8:53 am
Seriously, she maybe a female Aj Foyt. And I am betting she wouldn’t settle a grudge my nudging Dan Wheldon in the arm to suggest she is pissed… http://www.automobilemag.com/features/racing/1008_simona_de_silvestro_rookie_no_more/index.html
By P Daddy, July 21, 2010 @ 9:38 am
Agree, agree, agree!!! I heard more about a NNS race this weekend b/c the front runners were playing bumper cars than I did about the IndyCar race. These boys are all to damn pretty and spend too much time doing yoga and pilates. Someone needs to get these guys s–t faced the night before the next race so they’re a little uneasy on race day. Instead, they’ll probably all get up Sunday morning and meditate together. Who’s running this show?
By Carrie, July 21, 2010 @ 10:03 am
You know it’s bad when Scott Dixon is your last, best hope for a televised rage.
By DZ, July 21, 2010 @ 10:28 am
I think Pat Travers may have said it best with this little boogie-woogie, rhythm-and-blues number :
“When I get her(him) in my sight,
Boom-boom! Out go the lights!”
Right after qualifying, get these boys a couple of shots of whiskey and crank up some Pat Travers, they’ll be knockin’ hell outta each other in the garages.
By DZ, July 21, 2010 @ 10:32 am
PS Yer Mom’s on Facebook.
By Paul, July 21, 2010 @ 5:24 pm
We need more rivalries in the series. Everyone is acting far too nice anymore. I miss the old PT vs Seabass tonguelashings that seemed to be happening every week. PT even showed up with a mask once… And who can forget the televised brawl between PT and Tagliani in 2006? Don’t think we need to go back to the daddy fights after Watkins Glen a few yrs ago… Just let the drivers go at it!
By Earnastine, July 21, 2010 @ 5:42 pm
“We have to keep this a surprise, to explode it out into the industry,” Bernard said Sunday at an impromptu press conference at Watkins Glen International. “Anybody who tells you they know what’s been decided is not telling the truth. We lost 15 to 20 million fans in the 1990s. We have to find a way to get them back.”
By Sl4md4nc3!, July 21, 2010 @ 10:17 pm
Twitter??? The irony here– this was the very name the Mona Vie people first considered for their product, but they thought it sounded weak and “too urinary”.
Preach it Roy! You’ve done a great service to all of us. Herr Hobbson, you could make ends meet by hiring yourself out as a PR guy to set these pansies straight. I suggest offering a free Kaiser helmet to the first driver signing a contract. Seriously, somebody needs to go all Ozzy and bite the head off Ganassi’s pet squirrel or something.
By PatK, July 23, 2010 @ 9:02 am
The whole learning where somethign is sold in order to “go there & defiantly NOT buy it again” thing got me good. I think I’ll go do that for Z-Line Furniture and Holmatro (Gardening Supplies? Copper Wiring? Baking Soda?) as well.
By Indygrrl, July 26, 2010 @ 11:47 am
They simply need to teach them how to B*tch Slap–no words necessary and I’m sure AJ would relish teaching the class.