As a respected journalist, I’m not one for biased exaggeration or hyperbole. So you can trust me when I say this: ↑↑↑ THAT’S ↑↑↑ THE SINGLE MOST AWESOMEST THING IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE AND I THINK I WANT TO MAKE BABIES WITH IT!!! SWEET BLOODY HELL, JUST LOOK AT IT!!!! (That sound you hear [...]

Whenever I’m in the car and need to put my window down (like at the Wendy’s drive-thru — or during a routine drug deal), there’s a 50% chance that I’ll blindly reach for the button & accidentally put the backseat window down. And for reasons that are beyond me, I will just go nuclear. Really. Unjustifiably, irrationally & inexcusably nuclear, to [...]

If that were a real IndyCar driving up the 13th at Augusta National (IT’S NOT!!), there would be serious trouble afoot for the poor bastard driving it. Grave trouble, in fact — probably of the fatal variety.

{Carb Day Event Planning Meeting — 2/24/10} IMS Chief Executive Officer of Irony: Next order of business, we need a band. Personally, I don’t think we could go wrong with Eddie Money — but maybe that’s just me. Thoughts? IMS Chief Executive Officer of Common Sense: Here’s a thought for you: the only people who still like [...]

It wasn’t supposed to end that way. No, it was supposed to be the single greatest moment in sports history: a half-court runner for the National Championship — the most improbable & spectacular ending to a most improbable & spectacular game. It had a chance, alright. It was right there. Right. There. And right on line [...]