Welcome back to the Inbox of Opportunity. It’s pretty much exactly like Robin Miller’s Mailbag, but without all the judgment & quote-unquote “factual analyses.”
If you wanted to be dumber, you’ve come to the right spot!
Let’s dive right in, shall we?
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Roy,
With IZOD on board as the title sponsor, it appears as if IndyCar may once again be on the rise in America. However, there are still many things that could be done to help the series attract wider attention. My suggestion, a sequel to the movie Driven. Perhaps this time Stallone could mentor a talented young female driver as she is torn between following her dreams or jumping to that other series. Of course it should only be made if we can get Evil Wheelchair Burt Reynolds on board again. Plus it would mean more badly done CGI crash scenes of wrecks that would kill most humans. Your thoughts?
John R
Driven II? Hmmmm. I never considered it. While we’re on the subject, though, perhaps Jewel should make another poetry book. Or maybe God could re-release the Black Plague upon humanity. Hey — wouldn’t it be swell if velociraptors came back into existence & shot up to the top of the food chain?!?!
Or maybe — just maybe — some awful things should never be revisited. Ever.
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I only need two things to make my 2010 IZOD Indycar series season complete. Roy Hobbson at silent pagoda and Paul Tracy in a full time ride. Are these things going to happen?
Many thanks
Jason McVeigh,
Northern Ireland
You hear that, IndyCar overlords?!?! I’m a big deal amongst Ireland’s mentally ill crowd – a BIG deal. They love me. In fact, I crack their Top 5 Most Entertaining Things on Earth list, which is as follows:
- Yarn
- “Manimal” re-runs
- Flipping their eyelid inside-out & pretending they’re a monster
- The Silent Pagoda
- Throwing applesauce at the doctor-lady
You can’t buy that type of credibility. You just can’t.
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For the love of everything Holy, does Izod have anything in the works for a new commercial? Please say yes.
John
Yes. Moraes, Hunter-Raey, Rahal, Kanaan & Marco are all in Panama shooting the newest Izod commercial spot. Will it have smoking-hot women in white bikini’s hitting 6-irons from a tropical sand bar? I’d think so. That’s basic Izodian marketing, really, and it’ll go well with the jet skis & waterfalls.
The bigger question, though, is this: Will it involve graphic images of Kanaan gnawing on the hindquarters of Panamanian jungle cats he killed for sport — all while dressed in a sharp rugby shirt, perhaps? I tend to believe it will.
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Do you know where I can find nekkid pictures of Kellan Lutz from New Moon?
Carrie
I won’t respond to such foolishness. Instead, I’ll take this opportunity to introduce into evidence Exhibit 6,039,627 for why women are batshit insane:
The electric blanket.
My wife demands one in the winter months, even though our house is the exact same temperature it is in June. And its horrible presence is non-negotiable. Worse yet, she tucks it in between the mattress & the sheet, which gives the distinct impression that we’re sleeping atop a 500-degree griddle. The end result? I’m stuck sweating & hallucinating like I’ve got the typhoid, and she’s “cozy.”
Well I say, enough is enough. TURN IT OFF!! IF YOU’RE COLD, PUT ON A GODDAMN SNUGGIE AND LET ME SLEEP, WOMAN!!!!!! THIS IS MADNESS, AND IT’S TIME I PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!
[doesn't put foot down]
A pox upon you, electric blanket.
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Hobbson – What’s the inside information on the 2010 Carb Day band?
I hear we can get the “Spin Doctors” for $49.95/hour. We’ll probably do that. Mainly because most every other D-list band from 1996 is dead or in rehab or performed here last year.
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Here’s a question for you: why is this site even on indycar.com? You’re not even close to as funny as you think you are. Get over yourself.
Regards,
Tony J
There’s a whole lot of crazy people in Northern Ireland who beg to differ, Tony. When there’s not a spool of yarn to entertain them, guess where they go? Yep, you got it. Right here. To the Pagoda.
SWISH!!!
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Now that it’s official, will the Pagoda be camping at an off-site locale near the Sao Paulo course?
cappy
ONLY IF IT’S NEXT TO A PRISON YARD!!!! BECAUSE THE ONLY THING MORE FUN THAN GETTING STABBED BY A VIOLENT CRIMINAL ON THE RUN IS THE NEAR-CONSTANT THREAT THEREOF!!! YIPPIE!!!!
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Hobbson — what is the Indycar equivalent of Tiger cheating on his fine Sweedish wife with a homely looking cocktail waitress? I think it would be Penskeditching Marlboro to sign an endorsement deal with Big K Soda.
That or secretly moving the Indy 500 Pole Day to the Major Taylor Veledrome. Stupid Tiger.
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Hello Roy
HELP!!!! I’m already experiencing withdrawals from the IRL and the season has not even begun! As a DirecTV subscriber I thought I had it made. I bragged to my friends that I could watch every race, even the ones on Versus. Then to my amazement, Versus was pulled from DirecTV. I have complained to DirecTV and Comcast and anyone else that will listen. I am searching for solutions and want to get a leg up before the action begins.I missed the last 5 races of the season and am almost relegated to missing all but 5 races that will be shown on ABC. Is there another way to view the races that are scheduled to be shown on Versus? Will I be able to watch the races on the Internet from the IRL website? At this point I would even settle for live streaming audio, teletype or smoke signals. I have been a fan of open wheel racing and the Indy cars in particular since I can remember (I’m 46 years old) and can’t fathom the thought of an entire season left to logging on to a website for only race results. I am a rural dweller and changing to cable TV is not an option as it is not offered. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Best regards,
Hobie Woolen
Watching the races on indycar.com is similar to watching scrambled porn like I’ve never done but have only heard about – it’s certainly not advisable. I’d look into the Dish Network.
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Sir Hobbs,
Do you think the last bit of Noah Joseph’s piece on Danica Patrickis a double entendre?
thanks,
b
Calling her “a busy beaver” lacks the subtlety & cleverness needed to be classified as a double entendre. It also leads me to believe that Noah Joseph is a 6th grade boy who thinks United States Senate races should be decided by a game of “pencil pop.”
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Inbox of Opportunity question:
Mayo or Miracle Whip?
Phil
Oh, Miracle Whip for sure. In fact, I’d replace cake frosting with Miracle Whip if it were socially acceptable. But alas, it is not.
Mayonnaise, meanwhile, tastes like caulk. Only hobos & water fowl prefer mayonnaise.
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From the outside, the IRL offices look very mild-mannered. I’m imagining all kinds of zany frivolity and creative enterprise lies within (much like the ESPN offices in their SportsCenter commercials or the Pixar studios). Am I correct in this assumption? If so, please provide examples. If not, I don’t think you are realizing the full potential of your position therein.
Bickelmom
Remember that f–ked up casino circus in “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas?” It’s exactly like that, complete with orangutans serving cocktails and Dave Lewandowski working the phones from high atop the trapeze platform. You got to keep your head on a swivel around here.
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Dearest Pagoda -
EJ Viso and Chip Ganassi together????? Is this the greatest thing to ever happen to Indycar, or merely ONE OF THE GREATEST? I’ll hang up and listen now.
Mike
I won’t speculate on the impact they’ll have, because that would be in poor form. But I WILL speculate as to how this magical & possibly divine union came to be.
Ganassi: [sprawled out atop the breakfast buffet at the Hotel W in Miami] Uggggggh. Where am I?
EJ Viso: You are sleeping on my French toast, and I will kill you if you do not move.
Ganassi: [squinting] Say, aren’t you the fella I borrowed those grenades from last night?
EJ Viso: Probably. [shotguns a beer]
Ganassi: I like your style, little man. Do you party?
EJ Viso: [snorts an entire bottle of DayQuil ... fires a crossbow at the chandelier]
Ganassi: YOU’RE HIRED!!!!!!!
(Oh please oh please oh please let this deal go through!! I beg of you, God.)
By George Phillips (Oilpressure), December 4, 2009 @ 5:33 pm
…but I like mayonnaise.
By CurlingRacer, December 4, 2009 @ 5:39 pm
Well, clearly Tony J had his humor gland plucked from his body during birth, or he is 78 years old and still thinks Front Engine Roadsters are racing in May.
This IS a SWISH from 3-Point Land! (And not into peach baskets either Tony J.)
Unless Tony J. is a plant…then I will paste my picture in the dictionary next to the word gullible.
By Heit Harrelson, December 4, 2009 @ 5:57 pm
Roy – I went to the IRL offices once many moons ago. I entered a contest to win a smacking from AJ Foyt. You’re not too far off on the decor. It’s part Harrison Ford from American Graffiti and part Clarence Gilyard Jr. from Die Hard. Cowboy hats are mandatory upon entry. The walls are made from rare pelts and animal hooves. As you work you way rearward to the commercial departments the smells of steak sauce, garlic bread and Visine are almost overwhelming. They swab your inner mouth to check for N1Hi, typhoid, beriberi and scurvy. Standard operating procedure. I was immediately deemed incapacitated by a blow dart of ether and I’ve never been back since.
By Bash, December 4, 2009 @ 6:02 pm
Miracle Whip FTW! Explains where The Pagoda gets its tangy zip.
By Hippie, December 4, 2009 @ 6:12 pm
EJ Viso & I both dare to challenge the tastiness (and near death experience) that is mayonnaise.
Miracle Whip is for those lacking the intestinal fortitude to sub in paint thinner when the moonshine still runs dry.
By Bickelmom, December 4, 2009 @ 8:07 pm
I’m fairly sure mayonnaise is used to punish the wicked in the fifth circle of Dante’s Inferno.
George, perhaps your poor taste in the mayo/MW debate is reflective of your choice in football teams. : )
By NaBUru38, December 4, 2009 @ 9:53 pm
Rather than Driven 2: Reunification in Danger, I propose a television show popular in every corner of the world, to increase IndyCar’s presence in so-called “international markets”.
The Simpsons
The chapter where Nascar broke into the Springfield park with an oval race was simply brilliant. Why can’t Tony George bid for a North Tacoma Indy 300 in the streets of Springfield? Ganassi and Penske provide red cars, Danica her silhouette and voice, Duno and Ed some nonsense crashes…
By Carrie, December 4, 2009 @ 11:21 pm
God damm*t Roy! That wasn’t meant for the mailbag. You’re on my list now, buddy. Remember that picture? Yeah, I’m writing my revenge!
By Bob, December 5, 2009 @ 12:03 am
Driven was the worst damn movie ever made. I filmed my own movie about open wheelers: it was aptly titled “Driven sucks and video of my dog taking a dump is better”.
By Scott Dixon, December 5, 2009 @ 12:26 am
I tried Miracle Whip once. Too strong! I’ll stick to mayo — and Vegemite — thank you very much.
By jason mcveigh, December 5, 2009 @ 3:44 am
We don’t get miracle whip in Northern Ireland. Are we missing out? We did however get to see Driven when it came out. I wish we had hadn’t.
By jason mcveigh, December 5, 2009 @ 3:49 am
I’m not mentally ill, I just visit the Pagoda a lot.
By Bruce, December 5, 2009 @ 8:25 am
Due to the impending merger between Comcast and NBC Universal has the league and Versus begun preliminary discussions with Dick Ebersol of NBC Sports towards building the sport’s presence within this new network family, and does the recent addition of NASCAR content on Versus pose problems for the future in terms of top billing and growth potential for the sport we all love?
By RachelRW, December 5, 2009 @ 11:07 am
Casting poxes upon the cozy electric blanket???? Get out of my husband’s head!!!!! Too fuuny!
Seriously…..go sleep on the couch, you stupid boys.
By manfish, December 5, 2009 @ 11:32 am
I had to look again and yep, that was all one sentence up there from Bruce.
By redd carr, December 5, 2009 @ 12:36 pm
How about a twin size electric blanket and just put it on her side of the bed? (Or maybe just twin beds like Rob and Laura Petrie.)
Miracle Whip is mayo, only with flavor. The bolonga sandwich on Wonder Bread with Miracle Whip and crunched up potato chips is still a guilty pleasure.
By James, December 6, 2009 @ 1:23 am
Phil Mickelson called Tiger’s wife to get some tips on how to beat him. So does your face!!!
By Heit Harrelson, December 6, 2009 @ 8:00 am
Bruce – were you wearing a cardigan when you wrote that?
By Coz, December 7, 2009 @ 2:05 pm
1)Since I prefer any one of dozens of spicy mustard’s, including Grey Poupon, (by the way Roy, the phone ringing in Old Lady George’s Rolls-Royce, is for you), I can’t weigh in on the Miracle Whip vs. Mayo debate.
2)And Heit, your suspicions of the inner workings of the World International HQ at the IMS isn’t far off the mark; but is was a lot more zany when TG ran the show. I have a certain insider in the ticket pool, so I have the inside scoop.
3)For all you folks battling the Direct TV-Versus conundrum, let me ask you all something; Mom & Dad have Direct TV, so I have some experience with the service: WHERE THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE GET OFF PAYING A GAZILLION DOLLARS A MONTH FOR LOUZY RECEPTION AND A 1000 CHANNELS OF CRAP (I CAN’T EVEN GET ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE!), 1/3 OF WHICH IS PAY PER VIEW, WHICH GIVES YOU THE PRIVILEGE OF PAYING TWICE FOR 25 MINUTES PER HOUS OF COMMERCIAL ADVERTING!!! WHAT ARE YOU? ALEX IN A CLOCKWORK ORANGE? Sheesh! Steal cable from the neighbor, uh, I mean share, yeah, share is such a nice word, and be done with it already.
4)Tony J – If RH ain’t funny, I’ll kiss yer ass.
5) Having driven down I-65 through down town Indy, whilest on my way to the Hooters in Jeffersonville, I know the Major Taylor (no relation to Andy or Aunt Bee)Velodrome. It’s where swimmers ride velociraptors! Hah! Busted! 230 mph around the High bank turns should provide some excitement, though.
6)My friend came back from Brazil with a device known as “The Magic Beaver”. I think that Danica would like it. Maybe too much.
7) The movie should be the sequel to Winning. Unfortunately, some short sighted bonehead tore down the Speedway Inn, and even tore out the swimming pool. Roy, you should try to recover the tiles from that pool with the IMS wing and wheel design in it. As fond a piece of IMS lore as the bricks themselves.