The automatic video on indycar.com’s homepage is here to stay, it seems. Despite the impassioned pleas of every single person who’s been psychologically bludgeoned by it. And guess what? Those rotating ads aren’t going anywhere either. Nor the carbon-fiber background with the trippy electrical currents running wild. Nor the other 8.3 million jarring visuals violently competing for your attention. They’re all staying put, in their vague state of clutter & discombobulation.
I say, why settle for just “vague?” If we’re going for the “cluttered” look here – and make no mistake, we are – then let’s do it definitively. Let’s do it BIG.
Time to redesign the single most viewed (and important) IndyCar page on the planet — this time with 94,000% MORE DISORIENTING CLUTTER!!! Why? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what’ll drive site traffic to the next level. My suggestions are as follows:
Blast an air-raid siren as the page loads – We need to get visitors’ attention early. And frankly, nothing grabs someone’s attention quite like a FirePower Hemi V-8, 331 cubic inch 180 horsepower Chrysler air raid siren. It will boldly alert visitors that there’s an impending threat of incoming AWESOME!!!!
Put a real-time stock market ticker along the top banner – An unoriginal concept, right? WRONG!! Because we’ll make the prices roar by at 235 mph. It will be a useless application, of course — an indecipherable blur that will assault your senses & rape your equilibrium. But it’ll be a CRAZY FAST indecipherable blur. Don’t blink indeed.
Show highlights of the 1982 NFC Championship Game between the 49ers & Cowboys in a continuous loop along the right side of the page – Great game. A classic game. Who wouldn’t want to watch Dwight Clark’s catch a few billion times over the course of a season? Answer: deadbeats. And possibly terrorists. And we don’t want them on our site anyway.
Replace all punctuation with the Dancing Gay Spiderman animated picture – Look at him!! LOOK!! He’s about 8 billion times more fun than those lazy, do-nothing semi-colons. And he’s infinitely more cheery than those drab hyphens!!! There is no downside here. None. Except, of course, for potentially unreadable sentences. And the elevated risk of seizure activity amongst visitors. But they’re chances I’m willing to take, frankly. Mainly because they come with an elevated risk of FABULOUS!!!
Turn the navigation bar into a pulsating light saber – And while we’re here, get rid of the actual links too. “Functionality” is for fung-shui enthusiasts & minivans. Light sabers are for winners.
That picture of Scott Dixon’s car at the bottom of the page is far too minimalist & aesthetically pleasing … it MUST be replaced with live Richter Scale readings from Palo Alto – All those squigly lines dancing to & fro … oh how splendid! It’ll be just like a bout of virtual sea-sickness!! BUT MORE DISORIENTING!!
Replace the Silent Pagoda sign with a realistic Boba Fett audibly instructing people on how to become a Notary Public – Because after this, I’m fairly certain it’ll be replaced with something. Might as well make it something visually stunning & yet completely unnecessary.
Your turn.
By MM, November 18, 2009 @ 4:36 pm
Um… play those “indycar” sounds they do at the pacer games. just loop the sound effect the entire time you are at the site. That will be awesome.
By Paul Dalbey, November 18, 2009 @ 4:45 pm
I think it’s close to perfect as is. My only suggestion would be to replace the squealing pig commercial with an endless loop of ‘I Am Indy’ montages. THEN it would be awesome!! Sorta… Kinda…
By Bickelmom, November 18, 2009 @ 5:06 pm
Can we get some kind of smell-o-vision thing? So when the page loads you get assailed with the scent of bratwurst grilling? Or bacon cooking? Or toast toasting? It will make you hungry on top of the vertigo, which can only bring on more fun.
By pressdog, November 18, 2009 @ 5:07 pm
PLEASE, we need MORE white type on black background. It makes my eyeballs start to spew blood after two paragraphs, which is an incredibly good look for me. Actual readability studies show it’s incredibly difficult to read more than a couple paragraphs of white type on black, but it looks WAY COOL so more of it, please. Next step: all photos appear as reversed images, like black-and-white negatives.
By BP, November 18, 2009 @ 5:13 pm
I was hoping for an “I Am Indy” slideshow. Some sort of mix of European techno music (is there any other kind of techno?) with rapid-fire slides of mullets, jorts, tank-tops, denim-on-denim, and the sort. You know, like the opposite of what the Izod deal is supposed to do.
By Bickel Dad, November 18, 2009 @ 5:14 pm
Can we please add the voice of Marco yelling “SO’s YOUR FACE” anytime someone leaves the site?
By Ron Ford, November 18, 2009 @ 5:50 pm
“Cluttered” does not begin to describe it. It looks worse than the typical driver’s suit where you can expect to soon see Viagra stickers in the only uncluttered area still left on the suits. The constant video is annoying enough, but particularly so with the current Izod footage. It has me comtemplating reaching for an L.L. Bean shirt and my 12 guage. Those Izod models combined have more facial expressions than David Caruso.
Sponsors are great. Ya gotta love sponsors. But do we need them blinking at us 24/7? Is it going to make me run out to the nearest Target and buy a DB Shenker. I don’t think so. And hey, I think we all can agree that the Versus channel locator is about as helpful as well, you know. Maybe if Mars had a zipcode it would be helpful. Drag out your Funk’n Wagnalls and look up “useless”. There it is: “Versus channel locator”.
The one really good feature of the site is being able to virtually be in a car during a race and experience the sights and sounds of the on-board cameras. You can even see Danica’s little feet tap, tap, tapping on the pedals during a road race. Now that’s compelling TV.
Keep up the good work Roy. Hopefully IMS has not laid off most of your readers.
By Larry Phelps, November 18, 2009 @ 5:53 pm
MASCOT. We need a mascot. Hell even the Colts have some demented blue thing running around cleverly named Blu. Helluva marketing meeting on that one guys. What did that take you..10, 15 minutes tops? I say we use Destro from GI Joe. Is Mattel really going to fight this? Doubtful. Destro it is.
By Hamilton Fish, November 18, 2009 @ 5:56 pm
Translate entire page into Sanskrit.
By Bash, November 18, 2009 @ 6:11 pm
Wait, did you say Dancing Gay Spiderman? Not trying to start rumors about Daddio Castroneves, are ya? ;p
By pressdog, November 18, 2009 @ 6:47 pm
Hamilton Fish just made me spew Shiner Bock all over my monitor. Just make sure it’s white Sanskrit on a black background.
By Stone, November 18, 2009 @ 7:41 pm
How about some real tables!!
Go to the Drivers Page select Season Stats on any driver. The summary stats are almost unreadable, and non-sortable. Go to the Career Stats page to see years of hard to read information.
By Outtaphase, November 18, 2009 @ 9:45 pm
Don’t forget the wonderful menu controls at the top! Those of us that run 1920×1200 really love this game. Instead of sensibly dropping down the sub-menu vertically, they’ve chosen a razor thin horizontal line that you have to slide across perfectly. Slip outside the line and you get to start over! I LOVE having to play a game of Labyrinth to get anywhere other than the main page!
By George Phillips (Oilpressure), November 19, 2009 @ 9:58 am
Great points, all. In all seriousness — my computer at work is so slow that it takes forever for the page to even load. Then, if my boss makes an unscheduled visit into my office…I can’t “kill” the page for several seconds.
“Oops…how did that get on there? I was working on this spreadsheet and this site popped up.”
By Bob, November 19, 2009 @ 10:53 am
Jeez… A Chrysler aid raid siren? Thank god for wikipedia. They need one of those for the speedway infield.
By P Daddy, November 19, 2009 @ 11:11 am
On the lines of Bickelmom, the smell of burnt rubber with a hint of vomit, fried chicken and turkey legs. This will automatically rekindle grand memories of a day at the track.
By cappy, November 19, 2009 @ 11:46 am
The site would be easier to navigate if it were in brail.
By H.B. Donnelly, November 19, 2009 @ 12:05 pm
See, hamilton fish…sanskrit is a real language that actual people use. Let’s translate the whole page into Klingon! In honor of the new color scheme, let’s make it RED Klingon on a BLACK background. Also, while we’re dabbling in fictional languages, include the little flags along the top of the page that international sites have, but make one for every fictional language you can find in every sci-fi or fantasy movie and novel you can find!
Oh, and there needs to be a button that turns the background the color of the “red” on the penske cars, the text day-glo yellow, and inverts the colors on all the photos.
Finally, Pressdog needs to buy some sponsorship that allows an animated clown car to drive across the screen spraying fire-retardant foam and shooting t-shirt guns.
…I think that’s all I have for now…
By Nathan, November 19, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
Hemi powered siren….
What, was bacon and cheese flavored cocaine not awesome enough?
By Brian McKay, November 20, 2009 @ 12:05 am
Y’all are so funny. Anyone want to take bets on whether the website will be redesigned before next season? When and where will the season begin, anyway?!
By BC, November 20, 2009 @ 1:32 am
Hey, as long as they keep the auto-starting video (AND the ad, especially, that users are unable to silence – this is important!), I say bring on whatever.
In terms of endearing the website to the casual browser the video is clearly king – the rest is just details.
Though the green polar bear WOULD be a very nice touch…
By manfish, November 20, 2009 @ 9:38 pm
Pressdog, Shiner Bock. mmmmmm
By Joe, November 20, 2009 @ 10:48 pm
I think your designers should study some websites that show great use of subtlety. Like the ones where you’re supposed to stare at the dot on the screen and then the creepy old lady pops up and screams. Cause you know….that’s subtlety.
By Steve Barnes, November 21, 2009 @ 5:00 pm
I just came across this site … have been a long time pressdog reader … This is some of the funniest stuff I’ve read in a long time …
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By Nathan, November 19, 2009 @ 1:10 pm
Hemi powered siren….
What, was bacon and cheese flavored cocaine not awesome enough?
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And pressdog asking that the Sanskrit be in white on a black background ….
My only complaint is that while pressdog is spewing bear on his keyboard … I’m spewing expensive Scotch Whiskey on mine …
You guys are killing me …
Thank you
By Roy Hobbson, November 21, 2009 @ 6:23 pm
^^If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a kajillion times: the comments are clearly the best part of the Pagoda.
By Aaron, December 2, 2009 @ 12:39 pm
Replace all audio and video on the site with a constant loop of the versus commercial that had Dario’s last name prounced FranCHitti (like it would be in chocolate or chitty chitty bang bang) because not only commercial demonstrate the knowledge reporters have about the series but it also just sounded awesome