With the Toronto race being the rip-roaring dandy that it was, we were all left quite … contented? Is that the right word? It must be. It has to be, for we have nothing to complain about. Nothing we would change. No threats of violence to make, nor seething frustration to suppress. And that’s just not right. Nor healthy. Not for us.
No, there’s a void in our IndyCar hearts. And I say, let us fill it. With irrational grumbling & grousing on an irreverent topic of my choice. It’s for the best, really. Lest we fill this void through other — potentially unhealthier — means. (I’m looking at you, whiskey bender. You too, taking-a-swing-at-a-cop.)
Welcome to the Airing of Grievances, a new feature designed specifically for therapeutic purposes. Or possibly to relieve boredom. Or possibly both. Regardless, today’s topic?
**Shopping**
Shopping at the mall … the grocery … the black market … Home Depot … the internet … adult bookstores … Wal-Mart … what have you. There is surely something you’ve had sticking in your craw regarding this vast realm of irritation & heartache. Unleash it now. For the time is right.
I’ll go first.
You know what chaps my half-shaft? PetSmart. And more specifically, how they’ve wrought upon this world an unholy tactic that is as wicked as it is ingenious.
I’m speaking, of course, about the very audible, very vile ”Would you like to donate $1 to the Humane Society?!?” option from the cashier upon checkout. Now, my beef isn’t with the Humane Society, obviously. Nor the dollar. No, my beef is with the fact that it’s the ULTIMATE high-pressure sale — especially if there’s a long line of people behind you. People who will be awaiting your response & judging your very soul. Which is precisely why they do this, and precisely why it works.
Well you know what? F–K YOU, PETSMART!!! YOU FIENDISH BEATNIKS!!!! IF YOU WANT TO EMOTIONALLY STRONG-ARM ME INTO DONATING MONEY, DO IT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY: SEND UNDER-PRIVILEDGED KIDS TO MY DOOR SELLING 48-POUND BAGS OF M&Ms!!!! MY SATURDAY AFTERNOONS ARE FOR NAPPING & CLEVERLY AVOIDING LAWNWORK … NOT FOR YOU TO HOLD MY CONSCIENCE OVER MY HEAD AS THE GAGGLE OF UNWED MIDDLE-AGED CAT LADIES STANDING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME CAST JUDGMENTS ON MY CHARACTER!!
I hate you, PetSmart. I mean that sincerely.
[donates $10 to the Humane Society]
(Oh, that felt good. Jump on in. The water’s just fine. The winning rant gets a complimentary flamethrower for the weekend, courtesy of Jack’s Tool Rental.)
By CurlingRacer, July 17, 2009 @ 2:57 pm
Roy,
Good topic. I have all this anger built up with no release. Damn you Toronto!! Well at least the Maple Leafs still suck.
What about Dell and their “would you like to donate to plant a new tree?” Like 1 solitary friggin white pine is going replace all the energy I use on my Giant XPS, Power Sucking Computer when I play rFactor and dream of being Helio Castroneves. (Without the tax stuff and the Paul Tracy hipcheck.)
Wow Roy, I feel GREAT! Bring on Edmonton
By pressdog, July 17, 2009 @ 3:31 pm
If shopping at Starbucks counts, I’m in … who are you crazy f-bombs-ers in front of me ordering your double-mocha extra skinny non-fat frapachapa fresco smoothy, no foam? JUDAS F-CKING PRIEST. No wonder that drinks costs roughly $11.33. It takes a team of undocumented immigrants upwards of 19 hours to create it. Meanwhile, all I want is a LARGE DARK ROAST. And once I order I always get asked, “do not want room for cream?” Do I look like eunuch? I swear, one of these days it will be time for an AJ Foyt-style som-bitchin’ beat downs.
That is all. Carry on.
By Flash, July 17, 2009 @ 3:45 pm
Here is a tip. If you pay by credit card, you can silently press “No” on the machine without anyone knowing. Dairy Queen is even worse. You have to say no in the face of the thousands of Children’s Miracle Network balloons representing everyone else who wasn’t against granting wishes to terminally ill kids.
By Carrie, July 17, 2009 @ 4:00 pm
Self-service checkouts frost my cookies. What is the point of scanning and bagging my one or two DVD’s if I’m just going to have to stop at the self-service checkout baby-sitters station so she can scan the theft monitor to make sure the stupid buzzer doesn’t sound when I walk out the door? But, of course, it’s either that or getting stuck behind six mexicans feeding the entire neighborhood on one pack of food stamps. And that ain’t racist, that’s Walmart in Georgia.
By Sticky McCombs, July 17, 2009 @ 4:42 pm
Don’s Guns once asked me if I had a permit to purchase the hickory-handled beauty I had my eye on. “These 6 Ben Franklins and the Magna Carta outta cover that, Stallion!” *sirens*right forearm forced to touch left scapula*muffle muffle*Who did you just call Nancy?*rabbit punch w/ tire iron*lights out Da^n red tape!
By Coz, July 17, 2009 @ 6:32 pm
Unfortunately, I have been cast into the culinary and cultural wasteland that is LasVegas, NV. No wonder Elvis put foil over the windows; he didn’t want to see it any longer. And I can see why Howard Hughes died here; he woke up one day and said to himself, “I bought a what? And it’s where? Footlong fingernails and Mason jars of urine be damned! I must be losing my mind!” And with that, he gave up the ghost.
Anyway, what chaffs my hide is that there isn’t a real Greek anywhere to be found. Oh yes, I can get a Gyros, but I have to get it from an Arab. Which means that he got up and sliced the days gyros from the gyro at 6 o’clock in the morning, and they have been sitting in his steam tray for the last 10 hours. I like my gyro sliced off the gyro right after I order it. Also, a real Greek will put so much meat on the gyro, that it could choke Paul Tracy (how’s that for tying two Pagoda threads together!)
Gotta go pull my undies out from my crack, see ya.
By Mandy, July 18, 2009 @ 4:00 am
I used to work at Walmart (such torture that I’m now a waitress and consider it a vast improvement), and we cashiers disliked the fact the fact that self checkouts eliminated the opportunities for us to laugh at shame-faced customers buying condoms and Astroglide. I swear to God, I once had a guy try to buy both of those products with food stamps. Interestingly, he was the only person who ever just swaggered up and slapped ‘em on the counter. He had his trailer trash girlfriend and bratty kids with him, and I was tempted to say, “Thank you SO MUCH for deciding to use contraception.”
BTW, is Don’s Guns the one with the “I just LOOOOOOOVE to sell guns!” commercial? That guy creeps me the f*ck out.
By Ronski, July 19, 2009 @ 7:22 am
Here in Wisconsin we have two seasons: First is the Milwaukee Mile IndyCar race (The Milwaukee Mile is the oldest race track in the world and has the longest history of inept management. Hopefully, those wacky George gals can relate and not cancel us for 2010)
The second season consumes the other 51 weeks of the year during which we are consumed with wondering when Bret Favre will retire. It never goes away!!! Radio, TV, the internet, nitwitter, he is everywhere all the freakin’ time! 24/7 Favre, Favre, Favre!!! Our only relief from all this Favreiness is the Silent Pagoda and Red Green. Pleeeeeze Roy, as a respected member of the sports journalism brotherhood, can you use your influence to somehow put a stop to this? Maybe then we can finally get some news about Danica.
BTW, how did you manage to weasel your way onto this website? Are you dating one or more of the George gals?
By Sticky McCombs, July 20, 2009 @ 11:03 am
@ Mandy – re: BTW, is Don’s Guns the one with the “I just LOOOOOOOVE to sell guns!” commercial? That guy creeps me the f*ck out. – Um, yeah. Is there another?
By Channel Return Remington, July 20, 2009 @ 12:49 pm
In the simple code of male behavior there used to be only one pitfall at the grocery store – carrying a basket with which to collect items. However, now there is an equally if not more emasculating option – the mini-cart. Men should not use either option. The basket makes you look like you are pracnding througha field picking wild flowers and the mini-cart begs the question whether your partner is picking out the rest of the ingredients for your ceviche and patte medley. A couple of other things you should never do: never be seen giving a present to another guy – a more awkward moment between men does not exist. Also, no matter hnowtempting do not run around with a sparkler. There are only 3 men in this world who can pull that off – and they are the same men who can confidently where University of South Carolina “Cocks” hats.
By Roy Hobbson, July 20, 2009 @ 12:56 pm
Channel wins. Not only this competition … but also my heart.
By Mandy, July 20, 2009 @ 3:41 pm
@ Sticky McCombs
I always confuse Don’s Guns and that other gun store with the commercial where the guy says “‘Cause I need the money!” I think they’re both completely batshit, though.
By izod9, July 20, 2009 @ 9:53 pm
I don’t like PetSmart either, too many animals amongst my supplies of kittylitter, soft porn collars and leashes.