What if baseball fans were as fiercely self-conscious & pessimistic & angry as IndyCar fans? What would their message boards look like?   
By all means, allow me.   

… Jack Arute refers to Richmond Speedway as “the bullring” six dozen times? — 94%
… Robert E. Lee descends from the heavens and slaps Arute with a musket rifle? — a hopeful 2% 
… during pre-race interviews, Ashley Judd will somehow mention the following when trying to quickly sum up Michael Jackson’s legacy: ancient Bolivian canoes, a hotly contested game of “Stratego,” and Debbie [...]

You will be missed, Michael.
[snaps off a jumping-jack like clap ... puts hands on knees ... zombie-slides to the left]
You will definitely be missed. Goodnight, sweet prince.

If you’re Vitor Meira right now, you’ve got a ticket to ride — to Badassville, that is. (Which is a lovely place this time of year, I’m told.) The reason? It’s because of his highly visible, industrial-grade, iron-maiden-like back brace he’s in. And more specifically, how he gets to impress curious, smoking-hot co-eds who might ask what happened: It’s nothing, [...]

When Jesus or whoever invented Father’s Day, a vision was born. A movement. A call to arms, really, as pure & just back then as it is now. Sure — it’s only for one day. But it’s our day. Our time. Our right as decent & non-deadbeat dads to do that which we secretly yearn to do: become slothful, inert pieces of couch [...]

A few weeks ago, Roy implored the forces of Karma to release the tortured soul of Tony Kanaan, and mercifully was allowed to finish on the lead lap in the last race at Texas. He was nowhere near the lead, but he wasn’t in the infield medical care center either. Such has suddenly become the [...]

The first shot of the U.S. Open has been struck, and struck well. Of course, maybe not well enough. It missed the impossibly narrow fairway by a matter of inches, nestled itself down into a burly thicket of razor wire & Indian grass, and promptly caught fire. Lost ball. Octuple bogey. Weekend hackers rejoice (WELCOME TO OUR [...]