While old Flash typically hates the study of sociology (as well as speaking of oneself in the 3rd person), he’s electing to do both today in the first-ever study of the different groups in each seating area of the track.
Main Straightaway: These people have had their seats for decades. The bulk of them have no idea what is going on with the race, but all of them know the names of the top drivers. They claim that they enjoy the seats for the action in the pits as a way of hiding their pride over the cache of the start/finish line. The white wine in their matching cooler sets is chilled to perfection, while their French cheeses seem to soften ever so nicely in the May heat. The women are usually good for the 25 laps before heading back to their parking spot at Hedge Row only to come back to find their husbands inappropriately drunk discussing what Parnelli Jones or Gordy Johncock would do to a field like this. After being the recipients of ominous glares, the husbands quickly hang their heads and enjoy some Pellegrino. The wives in this case are either wealthy locals or started as the “What am I doing here lady?” Quiet dignity on race day, folks.
Turn 1: Welcome to the world of matching shirts! During the days of Pennzoil’s involvement in the race, one couldn’t look into Turn 1 without being blinded by the glare of yellow shirts with red arm rings. Today, Turn 1 still stands as a bastion to corporate sponsorship seating where each group has a matching shirt and all can be seen with the dreaded plastic lanyard holding their tickets safely around their necks. If one ever wants to meet a life-sized Dwight Shrute or Michael Scott, look no further. While the corporate groups can avert anyone’s gaze, don’t fool yourself — there are innumerable true diehards that are willing to sift through the seas of matching shirts to catch the drives screaming down the straight and into the turn “flat.” These diehards have been going to Indy for years and understand the intricacies of a troubled car as if it’s going into Turn 1 loose.
Turn 2: Oh Turn 2. Where are the words for you? You bridge the gap of the corporate diehard Turn 1 and the pirate’s outpost that is Turn 3 with a mix of bloodlust, borderline prostitution and slovenly drunkenness. You see, Turn 2 offers a little bit of everything. It’s mostly populated by the diehards that infest Turn 1, but these guys are different. While the Turn-1ers see the majesty of the cars coming into the turn, the Turn-2ers are witness to the carnage of a failed Turn 1. These people seethe for the excitement of wrecks or the death-defying pass. There is little wonder why Thomas Scheckter is just a crowd favorite to these people after his numerous attempts at going 7 wide through turn 3. The rest of Turn 2 is littered with skanky women that need to wait until the guys in the Tower Suites are a little drunk enough to think they’re hot, as well as guys who got too drunk before the race and couldn’t walk to their seats in Turns 3 and 4 after parking at the Galleria.
Turn 3: Giver of life, Segue to the Stars, Pickpocket of Old Ladies, Mustache to Mount Rushmore, and ass-holder to yours truly. Turn 3, you give so much, and ask so little in return. Turn 3 is like the old American frontier of the grand dame that is IMS. It is dangerous and thrilling, yet has a native beauty that cannot be captured by the hands of man. Sure, the lower rows of Turn 3 are populated by Eagledalians that simply hopped the fence and snuck in, and lovers of golf will cringe at the sight of moon-face mouth-breathers passed out on perfect greens and pristine bunkers, but that is just the chocolate covering to the rich creamy nougat that is Turn 3. The rest of Turn 3 is typically locals and long time alums of the race that crave to escape the throngs on 16th and Georgetown, all the while reveling at the cars coming down the back stretch full speed into the most underappreciated of the four corners. While statistics are not readily given, some say that Turn 3 consumes the most tenderloins per capita, which is a distinction similar to having the most Nobel Laureates at your University.
Turn 4: Not applicable. I have no interest in learning anything more about Turn 4. One can safely assume that these people are the crazy mutants from the Hills Have Eyes, and the main purchasers of John Basedow’s exercise films. Advice to Turn 4: Get off Turn 3’s jock.
Infield: Do you ever wonder how society would behave if we had advanced warning that the apocalypse was imminent? Look no further than the infield. The last time I ventured into this den of depravity, I had a flashback to a really bad acid trip at a Sharon, Lois & Bram concert (with the special being Korn!!!!!!!!!!!). There is an eerie haze clinging three feet from the ground that makes one feel like he is traipsing through a fresh battle field two clicks from Denang. F–k Vegas and it’s “what happens in Vegas” tripe. The infield at the Indy 500 makes Vegas look like Kindercare. The Roman bacchanalia feasts and orgies with their purging rooms can’t hold a candle to the infield. Hell, Sodom and Gomorrah pale in comparison. I promise you one f–king thing: the wife of Lot never would have looked back when leaving the infield, and the term “pillar of salt” would never have entered the Western lexicon. Yes, Virginia, it’s true — there is an infield, and it is all that is unholy and amazing. There is no description that adequately captures the people, for the bulk of those that partake in the chorus of the infield walk among us everyday as normal member of society. Yet one day a year, they embody all seven deadly sins while wallowing in their most carnal instincts. It is almost simian like, and, had it been around earlier, would have quickly proven Darwin’s Origin of the Species.
By splash-n-go, May 21, 2009 @ 2:37 pm
This is one of your best posts yet. Excellent descriptions! I myself am a resident of the northeast vista. section 19. The thing you failed to mention is that the seats down low are all rookies, because if you ever sat down there before, you would know never to sit there again.
By Roy Hobbson, May 21, 2009 @ 2:44 pm
Who’s the type of winner who sits in the short-chute between 1 & 2???
[points both thumbs at myself]
THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Flash, May 21, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
Don’t be so hasty throwing the word Rookie around. We’re in NE Vista Sect 22, but stuck in row M. We’ve tried to move up for years, but since we have so many tickets we’re stuck.
By Air Conditioner, May 21, 2009 @ 3:10 pm
Flash, don’t kid yourself. The main reason they don’t let you move up is that you always have a shirtless pasty guy with bologna tits blocking everybody’s view. Nobody lets bologna tits move up the food chain, not even Canada.
By Jumpserve sweetie, May 21, 2009 @ 3:32 pm
NE VISTA??? More Like BORE EAST Vista! Turn 2 for 3 years running. I’ve been banging cocktail waitresses two at a time there. Ya’ll are missing out. Just got anitbiotics for the weekend so I’ll be making some dumb decisions and calling chicks who I hooked up with 9 years ago.
By Roy Hobbson, May 21, 2009 @ 3:44 pm
^^^BILLY MADISON!!
I win. Kudos to me.
By duey23, May 21, 2009 @ 3:57 pm
Hey Turn 3, you’re the premature ejaculate for Turn 4. We are where real fans come to roost, to watch the cars jockey and push to gain advantage in sling-shotting their way towards the start/finish, so pipe down over there. J-Stand laughs at you and your tenderloins (although they ARE tasty).
By Air Conditioner, May 21, 2009 @ 4:02 pm
@ Jumpserve sweetie: just remember, shaving doesn’t help. You have to use the ointment.
@duey23: If Turn 4 is so great, then why do they have Funions as their mascot?
By Soupy, May 21, 2009 @ 5:22 pm
We’ve hit the point where one turn is calling the other “premature ejaculate.” How could this day get any better? ANSWER: it cannot. TURN 4 FOR LIFE!!!!
By Pat The Iceman, May 21, 2009 @ 6:35 pm
Jumpserve Sweetie you are god for working in a mo greene reference into a IMS blog! While I am a Yellow Shirt I used to watch the race in the photo stand in the 3-4 short chute but the track has put an end to that.
By Brian, May 21, 2009 @ 7:38 pm
SE Vista forever! Four in the top row on the aisle with eight feet of empty space to our right because of the steps to the deck. Plenty of room for extra stuff or
passed out coeds. I’m not moving for anything.
By Kohl, May 21, 2009 @ 8:38 pm
Turn 3 is the best by far. You get the scrapheap that is turn two, Tomas Scheckters obligatory pass-the-grass, and the 3 and 4 complex which is much better than the south end. Family seats since they were puth there.
By Rocket Herk, May 21, 2009 @ 10:40 pm
Top Row turn 3 where the tv elite drip down their goodies and we slurp it up with our mouths open like baby birds eating worms. But you do have to worry about falling off the stand if the Colt 45 overwhelms you around lap 150.
By P Daddy, May 22, 2009 @ 8:27 am
How bout this, who f’ing cares where you sit? All this tells me is that none of you are drunk enough. Because let’s be honest, if you really care where you sit then you shouldn’t be at the race. Watching the cars drive in circles, I’m sorry…ovals, is the 18th most important aspect of the day. So let’s focus on what’s more important, where do you tailgate? Coke Lot bitches, look for the yellow school bus.
By Channel Return Remington, May 22, 2009 @ 8:28 am
Interesting that no one has as yet defended the refugee camp called the infield. Those that patronize it are probably too busy planning a monkey knife fight. Just like international waters – anything goes in the infield.
By Hamilton Fish, May 22, 2009 @ 9:03 am
Turn 2 since 1979 here. I’ll never forget the 1987 race where the denizens of said infield decided to build a 17 foot high scaffolding through the 1st 100 laps. As a teen, the memory of the 38 Special t shirt clad grifter smuggling in a nail gun to, “I’ll be damned if the siding isn’t up by lap 128!” And I don’t feel all that bad that I was disappointed to see there were no fatalities in the Star’s blotter on Monday. That’s the race day atmosphere we need to get back to.
By Dave, May 23, 2009 @ 1:56 pm
Wow!! I idn’t know about this beef between the turns grandstands!!
You guys really love Indy!!!
I hope i can attend in some future May.
Have a nice spectacle! I’ll be watching and listening.
Go Helio!! Go Marco!!
By Jess, June 3, 2009 @ 1:49 pm
I love this article! I did the hasty thing and scrolled directly to the paragraph about the section of the speedway in which i sit (main straightaway). It’s so true because we have had our seats for absolutely ever, have a hard time following all the crashes and whatnot in the turns/short chutes, and love the seats for the pit stops. I’m not saying that this necessarily applies to everybody who sits around me, but the article definitely has key points that I can relate to and laugh. I’ve only had the pleasure of sitting in other areas of the Speedway during qualifications/practices, but I still enjoyed reading the other paragraphs about the other “sections.” Great work! =)
By tegy, December 23, 2009 @ 5:19 pm
I am definitely bookmarking this site. Brilliant.
By Splash N Go, May 18, 2010 @ 2:14 pm
Turn Four is home to many 60-yr-old, Indy faithfuls who, while they enjoy the pit action and line of bricks, are smart enough to move down to turn 4 to enjoy the action that the backstretch and turn 3 have given them. They have had their seats for four decades, and have been jealous of all the action that the NE vista has witnessed. You can spot them because they wear knee-high baseball socks with sandals on a 50 degree practice day or 90 degree race day. They also hold a cooler large enough to fit an entire 4 N/A beers in with their tuna sandwich. They also utilize the lineup in the program religiously, marking down the Top 10 every ten laps, much like how the spend their time marking every pitch from their season tickets at the local AAA baseball game.