For those of you attending your first Indy 500, listen here. The majesty of the event shall never be questioned, nor will it be here — the Pagoda has made this quite clear. It’s a stunningly glorious affair, and well worth any burdensome financial expenditures and/or the possibility of Jell-O shot poisoning. However, for your own benefit, there are certain things you need to know heading into it … certain unpleasantries that are rarely — if ever — spoken of when recounting 500′s past. Things like …
… the men’s room urinal troughs.
I regret to inform you, Mr. 500 Virgin, that you WILL — at some point — find yourself standing cheek-to-jowl with some shirtless brute named “Horseshoe” as he lets loose with a mighty piss that is seemingly not of this world. And to your immediate left? Why that’s just some 68-pound hobo who smells of moonshine & Pine-Sol – he’s quite eager to strike up a spirited discussion with you regarding how much money’s in your pocket. He may or may not be holding a dagger. Pay them both no mind.
Oh, and I forgot: HURRY THE F–K UP AND GO ALREADY!!!!! The 600 people standing two feet behind you have no patience for your timid lollygagging. They can sense fear, and fear causes delay. This displeases them greatly. They will beat you with their wallet chains if need be.
Make no mistake, my gun-shy little friend – the urinal trough is NOT for the faint of heart. It is the tightest of tight quarters, and it can mentally shatter you if you let it. It feasts on the unassertive, bludgeons the cowardly.
But conquer it without incident, and it will have made a man of you. A real man. A man impervious to all forms of disorientation & pressure.
My advice? Look straight ahead. Do NOT avert your gaze. Speak to nobody. Be quick. Be smart. Get out. And crack yourself a beer, cowboy. Welcome to manhood.
___________________________
By torchredbird, May 14, 2009 @ 2:07 pm
And don’t forget rookie in your drunken haze that the urinal trough is the one without the faucet, less you piss in the Washing trough
By pressdog, May 14, 2009 @ 2:16 pm
Well put, well spoken. The Israeli commando school of urination — get in, do it, get out.
By duey23, May 14, 2009 @ 3:05 pm
and don’t bitch and moan when people go in the “out” doors. If everyone is doing their job (see above) it’ll move quickly enough.
By P Daddy, May 14, 2009 @ 3:13 pm
and if it comes to it, taking a dump in the trough is allowed, if not encouraged! Those damn Indy 500 Tenderloins
By Oilpressure, May 14, 2009 @ 3:42 pm
Also remember urinal etiquette (Man rule #5) if going during a green flag and the place is not as crowded…NEVER stand directly next to someone if there is an unused area anywhere else in the building!
By Roy Hobbson, May 14, 2009 @ 3:53 pm
Where is this unused, uncrowded area you speak of? In Muncie?
By Penecake, May 14, 2009 @ 4:14 pm
Under no circumstances should you make eye contact with those who have made the decision to deficate in the open stall toilets. Typically their faces will be buried in their hands in shame, but if they detect you glancing, they will rain blows on you from sleeveless arms.
By Sticky McCombs, May 14, 2009 @ 5:08 pm
Fantastic! I see they did some updating. Far less gonorrhea on the window sills now.
By Splash 'N Go, May 14, 2009 @ 6:09 pm
My grandfather would speak of the troughs! Don’t forget to sign the wall too.
By Splash 'N Go, May 14, 2009 @ 6:09 pm
My grandfather would speak of the troughs! Don’t forget to sign the wall too. Might as well make that autograph marker useful.
By CurlingRacer, May 14, 2009 @ 10:52 pm
Peeing during a Green Flag?!?! I thought that’s what the empties were for…
By Boo Boo, May 14, 2009 @ 11:57 pm
Sticky in da Howooooose!
By Flash, May 15, 2009 @ 7:49 am
I think “Less Gonorrhea on the Window Sills” needs to be a marketing slogan for something. That is too good to go unused.It would have been perfect for the bathrooms at Thunder Island. It may have even kept them in business.
By Heit Harrelson, May 15, 2009 @ 9:04 am
Always ‘pre-start’ the pee process as well. Nothing worse than shy bladder as you stand there doing nothing. By the time you’re addressing the porcelain, your focus should be mid-stream and finish.
By Roy Hobbson, May 15, 2009 @ 10:42 am
Under no circumstances should you make eye contact with those who have made the decision to deficate in the open stall toilets. Typically their faces will be buried in their hands in shame, but if they detect you glancing, they will rain blows on you from sleeveless arms.
Is it too early to hand out the Comment of the Decade Award? Yes? Tough luck, Penecake.
By Jeff L., May 15, 2009 @ 12:26 pm
Wow you guys are all rookies in my book. I haven’t seen a trough since 97 when I discovered the glory of sitting in turn 3 with it’s vast VIP golf course urinating area/smoking lounge.
By Charlie H., May 15, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
Another tip: even though it might be hot, leave the rope sandals at home. They tend to soak up the ungodliness from impaired aim on the mens room floors. My friend learned the hard way on that one…
By wizzy, May 16, 2009 @ 6:58 pm
All i hop is to see the end of the race versa did a great time this week hope ABC does not go to a golf game or a base ball game with 10 laps to go they done it before
By The other A.J., May 19, 2009 @ 4:59 pm
You so haphazzardly skip over what is perhaps even more significant than the “urinals.” The fact that the majority of the bathroom stalls do not have doors…
By Roy Hobbson, May 19, 2009 @ 5:11 pm
@AJ: Penecake pretty much nailed that issue somewhere in the comments section. He nailed it with a 9,000-pound bunker buster from heaven.
By splash-n-go, May 21, 2009 @ 9:35 am
I believe it was 06 when it was 95 degrees out. I didn’t even have to visit the troughs… I sweated out a whole case of beer during the race. Didn’t miss a lap! It was great!!