[The WTR Report runs every Monday at around noon throughout the season] I find lawn-related chores most disagreeable. Mowing and mulching and edging and such. They’re boring and burdensome and they lend themselves poorly to my three most cherished weekend necessities: slothfulness, instant gratification, and quasi-violence. They’re far from helpful in those departments, and I want no part of them. Except for [...]

I don’t particularly enjoy watching hockey. Not unless two neckless brutes happen to be smashing each other’s faces in at center ice, that is. Or — you know — unless the announcer is yelling profoundly magnificent things like “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!!!!” after each goal. Meet Randy Moller, the commentator for the Florida Panthers. He’s revolutionizing [...]

My youngest son isn’t quite five years old, but that hasn’t stopped him from being accomplished enough at Mario Kart Wii to pretty much beat anyone within a 20-mile radius of our house. He’s the A.J Foyt of virtual racing — assuming, of course, that racing involved giant caterpillars, man-eating plants and mushrooms. LOTS of mushrooms.

You know where the true magic of the NCAA Tournament is? It lies in these precious opening rounds, where otherwise fine & upstanding folks are afforded the opportunity — nay, the DUTY as an American — to skip work, drink heavily, and bask in the glorious glow of widespread gambling. It’s precisely why God invented bars with [...]

Welcome to the opening weekend of the 2009 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, also known as the Greatest Four-Day Spectacle in Sports That Doesn’t Involve 12-year-old Chinese Girls.

Oh, look at this!! Some other guy I’ve never heard of is now being considered for a full-time ride. How fantastic. And while I’d love to offer my insights on the matter, the Tournament kicks off soon. I’m sorry, but that takes precedence over all else, up to and including nourishment for my family & or [...]

A crazed, 340-pound genius hopped up on 8-balls and Wild Turkey is never not entertaining, never out-of-place, and never wrong. (Winston Churchill, I’m told, understood this truth, and was the exact same way in his later years.) The point here?  T-minus 27 hours until tip off — until the American workforce essentially shuts down and erases [...]